Memories or Nightmares
by Titan5
Summary: Sheppard gets an unexpected reminder of his experience with the iratus bug, followed by a hairy encounter with yet another creature from the Pegasus Galaxy.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Stargate Atlantis or any of its characters.

This takes place shortly after the events of Epiphany. Spoilers for everything up through Epiphany, but especially 38Minutes and Conversion.

Memories or Nightmares – Chapter 1

Sheppard tilted his cup forward and peered at the dregs floating in the last of his coffee. "Guess I'm done," he muttered. He stood up and gathered his silverware back onto the food tray.

Rodney McKay looked up at Sheppard. "Where are you off to in such a hurry?"

"I've got to do orientation for a couple of new guys, replacements that came in with the Daedalus the other day. Teyla, are we still on for 1100?"

Teyla smiled and nodded. "Yes, if you are sure you will be finished with your duties by then."

Sheppard nodded. "Oh, I'll be done by then. We may not be finished, but I'll be done and ready for a workout."

McKay laughed. "What's the matter, Colonel? Being a tour guide not your thing?"

"Not especially. I thought about having Major Lorne do the honors, but he's off world until this afternoon, leaving me with the pleasure."

"Hey, Sheppard, I can help if you want," offered Ronon.

Sheppard grinned. "Tempting offer, but I'd better pass. I probably shouldn't scare them to death on their first day of duty in Atlantis. See you guys later." Sheppard put his tray up and walked out of the mess hall, trying to muster some enthusiasm for his 'Welcome to Atlantis' speech.

oOo

Mark Simpson crossed his arms and shook his head. "I'm just saying, this does _not_ sound like a smart thing to do on your first day. You'll be in the brig by noon."

Jack Kramer sighed loudly. "You are such a wet blanket, you know that? It's just a harmless prank. It'll break the ice and everyone can have a good laugh."

"What if Colonel Sheppard doesn't think it's funny? If the man really _is_ afraid of bugs, then he is _so_ going to nail you. I can't believe you're going to do this, he's a Lt. Colonel for crying out loud!"

"Look, the guys on the Daedalus just said he didn't like bugs, not necessarily that he is afraid of them. It's not like this thing looks real. Who's ever seen a bug this big?" Kramer nodded towards a large, black, plastic bug that was almost a foot long. He turned the creature over in his hand, observing the red belly and the spidery looking legs. "No one would ever believe this was real."

Simpson looked up at the door. "Crap, he's coming. Put that thing away."

Kramer hid the bug behind his back as he moved over to stand beside Simpson.

Sheppard plastered on his best welcome smile as he strode into the armory. He immediately saw the two airmen waiting on him. He opened his mouth to speak to them when a flash of movement startled him. Almost instantly a large, black bug appeared in his face and he instinctively batted it away, drawing his gun in one fluid motion. He was ready to fire about the time the large creature hit the floor when he realized something wasn't right. He paused and looked at the insect, lying perfectly still on the floor. He slowly walked over to it, his 9mm never wavering from its target. He knew he'd been had even before he heard the snickers or kicked the bug with his foot, revealing its plastic nature.

He took in a long, slow breath as he focused on not letting his hand shake as he holstered his sidearm and picked up the plastic bug, the laughter in his ears sounding almost distant. Reaching up, he rubbed his neck with his right hand as he held the bug in the left. He swallowed hard, his stomach knotted and heavy, and finally looked up at the two men. One was still laughing, while the other looked a little shell shocked.

"Who's responsible for this?" he demanded, his voice firm and hard.

Kramer stopped laughing, but the smile lingered. "Oh, come on. You're not mad are you? It was just a joke."

Sheppard glared at the man. "It was just a joke, _sir_, and I'll take that as a confession. You are . . . ?"

Kramer sighed again. "Airman First Class Jack Kramer, sir."

Sheppard looked at the other man. "You must be Simpson. Were you part of this?"

"Yes, sir . . . I mean no, sir . . . I mean I am Simpson, sir."

"He wasn't involved, sir," said Kramer. "He tried to talk me out of it. I'm sorry, it was just supposed to be a little joke."

Sheppard stood looking at the two for several seconds, letting them wonder about what would happen next. "I'm assuming from your asinine attempt at levity that neither of you actually know what an iratus bug is?"

He stared at the two hapless airmen who were definitely starting to pale under his stony glare. "Simpson, you're dismissed for now. Kramer, follow me." He turned and walked out of the armory.

Kramer looked forlornly at Simpson. "I'm so dead," he said as he followed Sheppard.

Simpson just shook his head. "I tried to tell you, but you never listen."

Sheppard walked briskly to the conference room just off the control room, Kramer struggling to keep up. His jaw was set and his face grim as he told himself to be calm over and over.

Weir saw him coming as she stood talking to one of the techs in the control room. "Good morning . . . Colonel?" Sheppard flew by her as if he hadn't even seen her. She didn't miss the tension in his face or the worried expression of the young airman that followed him. She exchanged a glance with the tech she'd been talking to.

"I'd hate to be in that guy's shoes," he mumbled.

Sheppard led Kramer into the conference room and pointed to the table. "Sit down and don't move."

If there was a record for the quickest time to sit down at a table then Kramer had surely given it a run for its money. He sat stiffly, as close to being at attention as he could while being seated. Sheppard wordlessly spun on his heel and left the room, only to reappear a few minutes later. He threw two folders on the table and they slid across to stop just in front of Kramer.

"Read those. I'll be back shortly and I am sure I don't need to impress upon you that it would be in your best interests to still be here Airman Kramer." Sheppard turned and left, closing the door behind him, not bothering to wait for a response. The startled look on the young man's face told Sheppard he more than had his full and undivided attention.

Kramer gingerly opened the first folder and began to read the report of how Jumper One had been stuck in the stargate while trying to get Sheppard back to Atlantis, a giant bug firmly attached to his neck. Kramer had a sinking feeling that he'd made a huge mistake. Especially when he turned the final page of the report only to be shocked even further by the images of his CO's neck in shocking technicolor. His stomach turned as he read the CMO's detailed footnotes.

"Way to go Jack ol' boy – trust you to totally shoot yourself in the foot," he mumbled to himself, swallowing hard, his stomach threatening to betray him.

oOo

When Sheppard left the conference room, he headed for his quarters. He was totally unaware of the people he passed in the hall, wanting nothing more than to be alone as quickly as possible. He almost ran into his quarters when he arrived and immediately began pacing around the room, absently rubbing first his neck and then his arm. He felt the fear and panic rising within him and he desperately tried to push it back down.

He walked into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. "See, no bug on your neck, so just calm down." He looked down at his right forearm. He thought he could still see a hint of blue, but that could be his imagination. "There are no bugs, there are no bugs. This is so stupid!" He paced back out into the main room, lecturing himself on how silly the whole thing was. He almost had his heart rate back to normal when there was a knock on the door.

"John? Are you in there?" More knocking. "John, are you all right?"

Sheppard took a deep breath and opened the door. Elizabeth stood there, worry lines creasing her forehead.

"John, are you okay?"

Sheppard stepped back to let her in. "Yeah, I'm fine. Why? What made you think I wasn't?"

Weir stepped into Sheppard's quarters and turned to face him. "You looked very upset just now and you didn't even notice when I spoke to you. What's wrong?"

"Um, sorry Elizabeth, just busy, I probably didn't hear you," he tried to placate her. He stopped when she raised her hand quietly.

"C'mon John. How long have we known each other now? Are we really going to do this dance again?"

Sheppard walked across the room and paced back and forth a couple of times, still rubbing his neck, and then stopped to face her. "I guess you'll hear about it sooner or later."

She lifted one eyebrow and Sheppard smiled momentarily at the characteristic expression.

"_What_ will I hear about?" She stepped up closer to him and gently but firmly pulled his hand away from his neck.

Sheppard was a little dismayed - he hadn't even been aware that he had been rubbing his neck. "I went to give an orientation to two new airmen. One of them thought it'd be funny to throw a big, plastic bug at me. Elizabeth, I almost the _shot_the thing. I'm sure he can't wait to tell everyone that their CO is scared to death of bugs. Should do a lot for me in the respect department."

"Why did you lock him in the conference room?"

"I didn't _lock_ him in. I just gave him a couple of incident reports to read and told him to stay there until I got back."

"And I'm betting I can guess which reports they were." She nodded knowingly. "John, everyone that was here during those incidents knows how serious they were and how close to dying you came both times. No one is going to lose respect for you."

Sheppard looked down and walked across the room, facing the wall. "Not everyone was here, not with the Daedalus bringing new people all the time. The new guys, they won't understand. No one really can."

Elizabeth walked up behind him and put her hand on his arm, pulling him around to face her. "Those of us that count have a pretty good idea. We know how scary it was from our end. Trust me, it's not something I'll ever be able to forget. Yours was a natural reaction and I don't want you second guessing yourself. I am, however, a little worried about how you are handling it now. Maybe you should talk to Kate."

Sheppard shook his head. "I talked to her after both incidents, thanks to you, and I don't need to go back. Look, it shook me up a little, but I'm okay now. I need to go back and talk to Kramer. I need to wrap this up once and for all."

"All right, I'll take your word for that. Mind if I walk back with you?"

Sheppard let out a deep breath and smiled as he held out his arm. "I'd be delighted, ma'am."

oOo

Sheppard walked into the conference room a few minutes later and sat on the edge of the table. He was a little relieved to find Kramer looking embarrassed. Maybe there was hope for the young airman yet.

"Have you had enough time to thoroughly familiarize yourself with the contents of the files?" asked Sheppard.

"Yes, sir and . . . I'm sorry, sir, I didn't know. I was just . . . I was just being an idiot." Kramer could feel the angry blush starting to work up his throat. God, he hadn't felt this humiliated since, well, it had been a long time.

Sheppard allowed himself a small smile. "I am curious about one thing. Why _did_ you pull that little stunt, anyway? Do you always make a habit of pulling potentially career ending pranks on your new CO?"

Kramer felt his face flush even more furiously, if that was even possible. His heart was hammering in his chest. "I am . . . a bit of a prankster, sir, and I had heard from some of the men leaving on the Daedalus that you didn't like bugs. I had that big plastic one and it just seemed like a good idea – at least it seemed like a good idea at the time." Kramer looked down at the table, rubbing his finger on the edge of the folder.

"And I'm assuming that your informer didn't happen to apprise you of exactly _why_ I don't like bugs?"

"No, sir. Guess I should have taken the time to find out."

"Yes – you should have. Sometimes people have very legitimate reasons for their fears, and that applies even more so here in the Pegasus Galaxy. You've got a lot to learn, Kramer, and if you are actually willing to listen to the **_right _**information and even learn from your mistakes, it might just keep you alive out here."

"Yes, sir, I am . . . and I am really very sorry, Sir . . . really . . . you have no idea how I wish I'd never laid eyes on that . . . thing . . . sir"

Sheppard sat looking at the man for several seconds. The kid did look genuinely sorry and more than just a bit scared. Good. He sighed loudly, solely for the airman in front of him.

"Okay, you're dismissed. You and Simpson are to report back to the armory at 1400 hours and we'll try the orientation again. Need I remind you that if any bugs do happen to appear - that someone _is _going to get hurt this time. Do I make myself clear, Airman?"

"Yes, sir," Kramer said sharply. He stood and saluted. Sheppard returned the salute and the young soldier left.

Sheppard just shook his head. "I'm getting too old for this crap."

oOo

"Ow!" Sheppard rubbed the back of his leg as Teyla circled him.

"You have not been practicing." She smiled as she twirled the stick in her right hand, never taking her eyes off Sheppard.

"Hey, in my defense, I was unable to practice for six months. That takes a little bit of catching up. And don't tell me it was just a few hours because it was still six months for me."

Teyla narrowed her eyes. "You have been back for several weeks now. You are making excuses, Colonel."

Sheppard adjusted his grip on his sticks. "Okay, so I haven't had time to practice lately. You could take it easy on me."

Teyla smiled again. "But then you would not learn." As soon as she finished speaking, she advanced on him. He matched her, blow for blow, for a while. Eventually, however, she moved quickly to one side, coming up to smack him in the back of the thigh, just below his butt.

"Teyla?" Sheppard rubbed his leg, wincing.

Teyla dropped her arms to her sides. "We are finished, Colonel. You are not concentrating. You are unfocused and I do not want to hurt you."

"A little late for that," he muttered.

Teyla put her sticks down and drank from her water bottle. She then wiped her face with a towel. "Is anything wrong, Colonel? You seem . . . off today."

Sheppard wiped the sweat from his face and neck, shivering as the rough towel rubbed the spot on his neck where the iratus bug had attached itself. It had been over a year and the spot still felt tender, as if it had only finished healing a few days ago.

"Colonel?"

Sheppard looked up to see Teyla staring at him, worry darkening her eyes. He smiled. "Sorry, guess I let my mind wander for a minute. I'm fine, Teyla. Just a bit distracted by the new guys. You know how it is."

Teyla nodded, not looking convinced. "Very well. Would you like to practice again tomorrow? Perhaps your concentration will be better."

"Yeah, I'd like that. Same bat time, same bat channel?"

Teyla frowned at him. "What is a bat?"

Sheppard just grinned. "Never mind. I'll meet you here at the same time tomorrow."

oOo

The pain was incredible, taking his breath away. The bug was heavy against his neck and he could feel the blood, sticky and wet, between his skin and the creature. He couldn't do this again. He clawed at the bug, desperately trying to pull it off his neck, feeling as though he was choking.

Sheppard sat straight up in bed, awakened by his own yell. He sat panting in the darkness, listening to his heart beat wildly in his chest. Slowly he felt the panic start to die down and his breathing began to slow. He wiped the sweat from his face and rubbed his hand across his neck. It came away wet and he realized his neck was burning.

He staggered into the bathroom, feeling sick to his stomach, and turned on the light. Blinking heavily as his eyes adjusted, he felt around and grabbed a rag, wetting it under the flow of water in the sink. He stared at his reflection in the mirror. The right side of his neck and the upper part of his t-shirt were covered with blood. He gently dabbed the wet rag against his throbbing neck until much of the blood had been soaked up. Several long, jagged cuts ran down the side of his neck, still oozing blood. He stared at the blood on his neck, still not quite believing it until it suddenly occurred to him what had happened. He looked down and was disconcerted to see the blood and skin caked beneath his fingernails.

He had been subject to nightmares quite often over the last few years, but he'd never actually injured himself during one. It scared him to think he had torn his neck up like this and that it had not even awakened him. He scrubbed his hands, rinsed out the bloody rag, and dabbed his neck again. It was still bleeding and it hurt like a son of a gun and he didn't have so much as a band-aide. Looked like he was going to the infirmary and he had no idea how he was going to explain this mess.

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

WOW! Thanks for all the great feedback. Talk about loading some fuel on the fire! I was remiss in thanking Kathy for all her ideas and help in putting this together, including the search for a title. Thanks Kath! Oh, BTW, I borrowed Nick again.

Memories or Nightmares - Chapter 2

Sheppard was glad for the late hour – or maybe the early hour, depending on how you looked at it. The only person he saw in the hall leading to the infirmary was a guard, who didn't pay much attention once he saw who it was. Sheppard pressed the towel to his neck as he stepped into the infirmary, looking around for Dr. Strauhan.

"Colonel, what can I do for you?" Dr. Nick Strauhan smiled as he walked up to Sheppard, taking note of the uneasy expression on the man's face and the cloth he held against his neck.

"I . . . I cut my neck." Sheppard didn't really know what to say. How do you tell someone you clawed yourself bloody during a nightmare without appearing to be stark raving insane? He liked Nick, but he wasn't quite ready to admit what he'd done just yet.

"Come over here and let's take a look." Nick led Sheppard over to an exam table and turned on the overhead light. "Have a seat and let me see what we've got."

Sheppard inched his way up on the table using his left hand for support while his right continued to hold the towel in place. Nick stood and looked at him a few seconds.

"You'll have to remove that if you want me to actually see the injury," Nick said gently, feeling the tension radiate through the man as he placed a hand on Sheppard's arm. Sheppard nodded and dropped his arm, pulling the towel away from his neck and revealing several deep lacerations running vertically on the right side of his neck. Nick winced. "Ow."

"You got that right," said Sheppard.

Nick examined Sheppard's neck for several moments. "Okay, I need to get that cleaned and bandaged. This will be easier for both of us if you're horizontal, so lay down on your left side while I get some things together."

Kelly appeared and helped Sheppard get situated on his side. Laying a clean towel underneath him and draping a second one around the base of his neck, she had him ready by the time Nick returned with a tray.

"Okay, Colonel, you just relax while I get this cleaned and disinfected. Care to tell me what happened?" Nick began to carefully clean the still oozing wound.

Sheppard grit his teeth against the burning of the disinfectant and the pain of just having the wound touched. "Would you believe . . . cut myself shaving?" he asked through clenched teeth.

Nick worked silently for several seconds. "If you did this shaving, then it's way past time for a new razor. Try again."

Sheppard sighed and then moaned softly, clutching the edge of the exam table as Nick hit a particularly sensitive spot.

"Sorry," Nick said. "That was the deepest part." Nick studied Sheppard's neck for several seconds. "I guess we can go without stitches – it's kind of borderline. I'll put some butterflies on it, but you'll need to avoid heavy lifting and anything strenuous for the next couple of days or you'll pull it loose."

Sheppard finally relaxed as Nick finished cleaning the injury and Kelly dabbed a cloth around the wound site, drying the surrounding skin. Sheppard lay still as Nick applied some butterflies to the deeper cuts and then prepared to put the dressing on.

"So, are you going to fill me in on what happened? Actually, let me guess and you can tell me if I'm right or wrong. Judging from the looks of this and the placement on your neck, I'd say you had a pretty realistic nightmare about a certain bug trying to suck the life out of you."

Sheppard was silent as Nick and Kelly finished taping the bandage to his neck. Why were all the doctors in Atlantis psychic? Kelly then took the tray and the bloody towel and left. Nick helped Sheppard carefully sit up, trying not to pull on his neck. Nick pulled the stool up to sit in front of the pilot.

"You want to talk about it?"

"Not really. It's like you said - stupid nightmare. Guess it was a little too realistic."

"Colonel, that was over a year ago. Do you have these nightmares often?"

"No, actually I haven't had a "buggy" one in a while. There was in incident earlier today . . . uh, well, actually it was yesterday, now. Anyway, one of my new troops was under the impression that the best way to fast-track his career was to throw a big, plastic bug on me as a "meet and greet" joke and it just kind of brought everything back. I haven't thought about . . . the bug incident in a while and it caught me off guard. I'll be okay now."

Nick nodded. "Yeah, having a traumatic event thrown back in your face like that can sure bring up old demons you thought were long ago buried. I suppose this means that your newbie hasn't actually endeared himself to his CO and is about to become very familiar with scrubbing floors with a toothbrush?"

John smiled at the thought. "I wish Doc, but we don't actually do that anymore . . . well, I don't. No, Airman Kramer has pretty much got the "picture" so to speak and I don't think he'll forget in a long while." He started to stand up. "Thanks for the chat Nick, but I think I'll try and hit the sack again, might be able to salvage a couple of hours of shut-eye."

Nick nodded at the plan. "I can give you a little something to help you sleep, if you like."

Sheppard looked at his watch. "No, I've got a briefing in a few hours and I don't really need to sleep through it. I'll take a rain check on that."

"Well, hang tight a minute and at least let me give you some heavy duty ibuprofen for the pain. You're going to be feeling that for a few days. I'm putting you on light duty. You'll need to come in daily for a dressing change so we can watch for infection and see if you need anything stronger. One of us will let you know when you're back to regular duty."

Sheppard sighed. "I guess that means Elizabeth will have to know."

"I'm afraid so. She'll understand, Colonel. Not to worry. Sit tight and I'll be right back." Nick headed across the infirmary.

Sheppard absently fingered the edge of the bandage and couldn't help but notice it was almost exactly the same as it had been over a year ago, after the iratus bug had been removed from his neck. "I hate those bugs," he muttered.

oOo

Sheppard stood outside the conference room, trying to see who was already there. He spotted Rodney, getting his laptop set up while sipping his coffee. Leaning around the doorframe a bit, he saw Ronon and Teyla talking in one corner. He leaned the other way, trying to see if Elizabeth was there yet. He didn't see her, which meant Beckett or Strauhan were probably on the radio to her, filling her in on his little problem.

"Colonel."

He jumped at the sound of the voice behind him.

"Are you looking for anyone in particular?"

He turned to find Elizabeth smiling smugly at having startled him. "Uh, just trying to figure out if I was late."

"You aren't. How's your neck?"

He looked at her for several seconds, trying to read her expression. Dang, she was good. No wonder she was a fierce negotiator. "Who called you?"

"I've actually talked to both Carson and Nick. I understand you are limited to light duty for the next few days."

"Yeah, that's what they tell me, too."

Her expression softened a little. "John, are you okay?"

Sheppard smiled. "I'm okay. Just a . . . vivid dream."

Elizabeth eyed him in such a way as to let him know she didn't really believe that. "All right. We'd better get in there before they send out a search party."

Sheppard nodded and stood back, allowing her to enter first. He looked at the floor as he quickly made his way over to the first empty seat, knowing the question that was coming.

"Hi, Colonel. Nice of you and Dr. Weir to join us. I was just about to . . . what's wrong with your neck?"

Sheppard brought his eyes up to meet McKay's frown, aware that Ronon and Teyla were now also looking at him. He tried to seem nonchalant as he answered. "It's nothing. Accidentally cut myself."

He looked away from McKay, signaling that the conversation had ended, but McKay continued to stare. "That's weird. Same place as where the iratus bug attached itself. Wow, what a day that was." He grinned as he looked back to his computer. "Good thing I was aboard to save the day."

"Yes, it was very fortunate that you and Aiden were aboard that day," said Teyla, smiling.

McKay sighed. "Okay, so Ford helped."

Elizabeth noted Sheppard rubbing absently at the edge of the bandage with a distant look in his eyes. "Let's get back to the present. The mission to P4X-887 has been moved back a few days. Dr. Beckett tells me that Colonel Sheppard is to remain on light duty the next couple of days due to his injury. We can go ahead and work out the mission details today, but I'll contact you when we have a go date so we can touch base."

When they dismissed an hour later, Sheppard let everyone else file out ahead of him. He made an act of looking through the folder of information about the upcoming mission until all but Elizabeth had departed. He had the distinct impression she was waiting on him, so he tried to act like he didn't notice as he rose to leave.

"John, we need to talk a minute."

Sheppard sighed and dropped back in his seat. "I know what you're going to say and I don't need to see Kate."

Elizabeth smiled. "You think you have me pegged, don't you?"

He looked up at her, studying her face again. "Are you telling me that's not what you were going to suggest?"

Elizabeth turned up one side of her mouth in a smirk. "Okay, so that is what I was going to say. But don't think of it as a suggestion, think of it as an order."

Sheppard leaned forward, resting his forehead in his hands. He'd known it would come from Beckett or Elizabeth, and yet he had continued to hope that he was wrong. "I don't need to talk to her. It was one nightmare."

"John, people don't shred their neck during the average nightmare."

He looked up angrily. 'Yeah, well people don't generally have giant bugs try to suck the life out of them only to survive and almost turn into a bug themselves, either. I don't know if you've noticed or not, but things don't work here like they worked on earth. No amount of talking to Kate is going to change that."

"Yes, I know that things work differently here. I also know that that puts a lot of extra stress on everyone, but especially on people like you and me. _We_ are in charge, John. _We_ are responsible for everyone else here and we have to keep it together. I need you to be healthy. I need you to be at your best, both mentally and physically. Everyone here does."

Sheppard sat looking at her. He knew she was right – that was one reason why he'd gone to the infirmary last night. But he didn't see how talking to Kate about the nightmare that was sometimes his life fit in with that picture. He also knew Elizabeth had made up her mind. He picked his battles and this was one he would never win. "Fine, I'll go see her. It's a big waste of time that I could use to do something valuable for the city, but I'll go cry on her shoulder because I had a nightmare if that'll make you happy." He got up to leave, angry and not caring that she noticed.

John, the definition of "happy" for me, will be when I know you're comfortable in your own skin. I'll be "happy" when you actually appreciate and understand that not myself, nor Carson, nor Nick, and not even Kate for that matter is doing any of this other than to help you because we care about you." She paused before continuing. "If you can't understand and accept that, well - maybe just continue to look at things from your own point of view. It's what you need to do to go through the gate again."

Sheppard didn't respond. He picked up his folder and stormed out of the conference room, almost knocking the chair over as he went. Elizabeth sighed. Sometimes she hated her job.

oOo

Sheppard grimaced as he settled into the chair across from Kate Heightmeyer. He didn't have anything against her personally. She seemed a very nice and caring member of the expedition. But Sheppard was a very private person and he didn't like anyone trying get beyond what he projected for them to see. Who and what he was inside was his business and no one else's.

Sheppard leaned back in the chair and stretched his legs out before him, crossing his right leg over his left. He crossed his arms and looked across the desk at Dr. Heightmeyer, watching her watch him. "So," he said easily, "what would you like me to say?"

Heightmeyer smiled, comfortable with his almost hidden discomfort. "Why don't you tell me about your nightmare."

Sheppard frowned and shifted in the chair, lowering his gaze to the floor. "Look, long story short, one of my new guys thought it would be cute to start off with a joke. He threw a big plastic bug on me that was somewhat like the iratus bug that latched itself onto my neck a while ago. It . . . caught me off guard a little and I ended up having a nightmare about it. In my dream, I was trying to get the thing off me and I guess I clawed my neck up a bit in the process. It was just one of those things. I'm okay and it won't happen again." After a few seconds, he lifted his eyes to meet hers, judging her reaction.

"Well, that was short and to the point. How do you feel about what happened?"

Sheppard tilted his head. "How do I feel about what? The bug or the dream?"

"I was referring to the dream, but you can discuss the bug incident if you'd like."

Sheppard winced and fingered the bandage on his neck. "I'd rather not. We've already covered that, remember? As to the dream . . . it was scary at the time, but it's over. It was just a dream and I know that. I don't know what you want me to say."

"How do you feel about going to sleep tonight?"

Sheppard felt a bit like he'd been sucker punched, because he hadn't considered that yet. He had no prepared answer, so he sat silently, thinking about what she'd asked. "I . . . I don't know. Hadn't thought about that yet." He looked up to find her looking at him and knew he had to give an answer. "I'll be fine. Like I said, it was just a dream." The mask of ease returned.

And Heightmeyer was fully aware of what had just happened. "Colonel, I hope you realize that in light of your experiences with the iratus bug and the retrovirus, the reaction you experienced is not all that unusual. I just want to ensure that it isn't a source of long-term problems."

John started to interrupt her but she wasn't finished. "Colonel, I appreciate that you are the ranking military officer of this city and in all matters relating to that, I have no problem deferring to your expertise and direction. It might actually surprise you to know that I may just have one or two tricks up my sleeve in my "lowly" position of "the Shrink of Atlantis", however. If you're going to continue to avoid _my_ expertise and treat me like a pariah, well, you'll be putting yourself in a difficult situation whichever way you want to look at it."

Sheppard sighed. "Look, I know you're just trying to help – and . . . I'm sure, I mean I know Kate, that you are extremely skilled. I know that, but I really think this was a one time event and that I'm fine. I just need some time to bring things back into focus."

Heightmeyer nodded and eyed him quietly for a moment. "All right. I'll sign off with Elizabeth if you'll promise to let me know if anything else like this occurs or if you continue to have problems – nightmares, flashbacks, unusual fears, anything like that."

Sheppard nodded, surprised that he was getting off this easily. He stood to leave and then turned back to Heightmeyer. "Thanks."

She smiled and nodded. "Just remember your promise."

oOo

Sheppard squinted his eyes closed and clenched his jaw as Beckett probed and cleaned the wounds on his neck. He hissed and dug his fingers into the sheet covering the exam table. "Doc!"

"Sorry, Colonel. Just making sure you don't get infected. I wonder if we should have put stitches in this one," Beckett said, more to himself than Sheppard.

"It's fine, Doc. Just put the bandage on, already." Sheppard was quickly losing both patience and pain tolerance for this whole ordeal. He was considering stealing some bandages and changing his own, in a slightly less painful way.

"Okay, we can put a fresh dressing on now."

"Thank goodness," Sheppard whispered. He closed his eyes while Beckett put the fresh dressing on his neck, trying to slow his breathing and heart rate back to a normal level. He briefly thought it might have been less painful to just shoot himself in the neck.

"All done, Colonel. You can sit up, now."

Sheppard carefully pulled himself into a sitting position and gripped the side of the bed as the room began spinning. He closed his eyes against the wave of dizziness and felt Beckett's hand on his shoulder, steadying him. It settled after a few seconds and he opened his eyes, moving his gaze to meet Beckett's.

"Thanks, Doc. I'm okay now."

Beckett nodded. "Did you get any sleep last night?"

The lie came easily to his lips, but he stopped it. "Not much. Is it that obvious?"

Beckett smiled. "Only when you know what to look for . . . and I do. Do you need something stronger for the pain?"

Sheppard sighed. "No, I wish it was that easy. To tell you the truth, I was just so wound up from what happened the night before, that I couldn't relax. Then, when I finally did go to sleep, I woke up an hour later after dreaming about the iratus bug again. Fortunately I didn't do any damage this time."

They sat silently for a few moments. "You aren't going to like this, but maybe you –"

"I've already talked to Kate about this. Elizabeth didn't give me a choice. You two are always on the same page about that. Are you guys getting kickbacks from her or something? Anyway, it didn't do any good, just like I told her. Talking to Kate doesn't make it go away, it doesn't change anything."

Beckett considered what he'd said. "It may not make it go away, but sometimes talking can help a person deal with a situation like that. And in the end, that's what we have to do. We have to learn to live with these things and not let them eat us up."

"I have dealt with it – over a year ago. And I can do it again. I just do better if I handle things in my own way and in my own time." Sheppard smiled. "I never was very good at sharing."

Beckett sighed. "All right, Colonel, at least for now. But if I see you're continuing to have problems, we'll have to intervene. For now, would you like something to help you sleep at night?"

"No, I'd rather not. Let me try doing it my way first. I should be tired enough tonight to sleep on my own."

"Okay, let me know if you change your mind. I'll expect to see you this time tomorrow and remember, no heavy lifting or strenuous activity."

Sheppard pressed his hand gently against his bandaged neck as he slid off the table. "I know, Doc. It hurts too much to disobey you, so don't worry."

Beckett watched as Sheppard gingerly walked out of the infirmary. "I always worry about my patients," said Beckett to himself. "Especially those of you with a penchant for trouble."

oOo

Sheppard stood staring out at the waves rolling below. He briefly wondered if this balcony had been the refuge of some Ancient in the same way it was to him. A quiet place to watch the moonlight dance across the cresting waves and wish that life was always so simple. He smiled at the thought, forming an image in his mind.

He fingered the bandage on his neck. He didn't really need it any more, but he kept it on to hide the nature of the injury. It had healed nicely over the past few days, but it still looked like he'd clawed his own neck. Beckett had let him keep it covered longer than necessary, knowing full well the reasoning behind the actions. He had promised himself that the dressing came off in the morning and he'd just have to keep his collar pulled up a bit until it faded some more.

The sound of the doors opening brought his thoughts of quiet solitude to a screeching halt. "Colonel? Are you out here?"

Sheppard didn't have to turn to know it was McKay. "Yeah, I'm here."

McKay joined him at the rail, drinking in the scene before he broke the silence yet again. "What's going on with you?"

"Nothing's going on with me. You were at the briefing this afternoon, same as me. I'm cleared for duty and we go to P4X-887 in the morning." He felt McKay looking at him, but refused to turn and make eye contact.

"That's not what I mean," McKay said quietly. "What really happened to your neck, because it's suspiciously close to where the iratus bug bit you and Carson and Elizabeth have been very hush-hush about it."

"Why can't you just let it go?"

"Because I'm on your team and if there's a problem, I have a right to know about it. My life is at stake every time we go on a mission, same as yours. If there's something going on with you, I think I should know what it is."

Sheppard finally turned to face McKay. "Fine." Sheppard reached up and ripped the bandage from his neck, causing McKay to wince. He wondered if he should feel guilty about scaring McKay, but the truth was that he got a certain amount of satisfaction from the shocked look on the scientist's face.

"I had a nightmare about the iratus bug being attached to my neck and apparently I tried to remove it in my sleep. Both Beckett and Heightmeyer have cleared me for duty. Do you have any more questions? Would you like a rundown of my dietary and bathroom habits so you can make sure everything's working okay, perhaps you'd like to check if I'm keeping my finger nails trimmed? I wouldn't want you to worry in the field tomorrow?" Sheppard kept his voice calm and even throughout the entire delivery, further confusing McKay.

"I . . . uh, no . . . I mean . . . " McKay was surprised at the site of the injury, at the cause of the injury, and at Sheppard's calm confession. Suddenly he felt a little like a snoop and a rather childish one at that. Although he'd suspected what the real story behind the injury was, hearing Sheppard tell it made him ashamed he had asked.

"I'm tired, McKay, and we have an early start. I'll see you in the gateroom at 0700." Sheppard exited the balcony rather quickly, leaving McKay feeling strangely guilty and alone.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

You guys are the best – still feeding the beast! I'll try to live up to it.

Memories or Nightmares - Chapter 3

Sheppard stepped through the gate and gazed across the grassy field, listening to McKay ask Teyla an endless parade of questions. He smiled at the way her patient answers contrasted the lines of annoyance on her face. The Athosians had traded with the Mastonians for many years before fleeing their homes during the Wraith attack. Teyla was certain they would make good trading partners again.

Sheppard shifted his glance over to Kramer and Simpson, remembering it was their first visit to an alien planet - well, except for the one with Atlantis. "Are you ready for your first off-world mission?"

The two soldiers nodded enthusiastically, their eyes wide, looking to Sheppard like excited school boys. Sheppard ran a practiced eye over the two young airman, checking to be certain that they had been kitted correctly.

"Yes, sir, we're ready," replied Kramer, grinning broadly. His grin faded a bit as his eyes drifted down and caught sight of the healing wounds on Sheppard's neck. He had noticed the bandage the day after his little joke. After reading the file about the iratus bug and hearing the rumors racing around the city, it hadn't taken long to figure out exactly what had happened, or that it had been his fault. Guilt surged in him once more.

"Sir . . . I just wanted to say that I'm sorry one more –"

"Since this is your first mission, you'll need to stick close to us and don't say much. We'll do the talking. Teyla said the village is about a thirty minute walk. Move out." Sheppard walked past them, ignoring Kramer.

Kramer frowned at Simpson. "Guess it'll take me a while to dig myself out of this hole."

"Can you blame him?"

Kramer just looked down at his gun. "No, I guess not. Man, am I stupid."

Simpson laughed. "Well, you won't get any argument from me on that one. Come on, let's go before they run off and leave us."

The two airmen hurried to catch up, slowing their pace as they fell in behind the group. They walked along a rough path of dead, flattened grass, listening to the conversation ahead of them, knowing they weren't actually a part of this team. They had both been in the military long enough to know that it took time to really be part of a team. They were painfully aware that their performance on this mission would be meticulously evaluated and if they didn't cut it, well – Kramer figured that Sheppard already had his name on a pencil-booking on the next Daedelus run, just waiting.

After several minutes of walking, the grassy field slowly gave way to a modest forest, with what appeared to be a rough cart path through the trees. Simpson looked over at Kramer. "This could be earth."

Kramer nodded. "I was just thinking the same thing. I don't know what I expected, but this wasn't it."

McKay finally tired of questioning Teyla and Sheppard took the opportunity provided by the brief window of silence.

"So, McKay, who was that guy in the briefing yesterday that looked exactly like you, because _you_ obviously weren't there."

McKay sighed loudly and rolled his eyes. "I _was_ there, as you well know. _Some_ of us are very busy people with a lot to do and we are forced to multitask, a concept I'm sure military goons such as yourself are unfamiliar with. I may have been somewhat engrossed with the important things and missed out on some of the menial social conditions of these people we are going to trade with."

"_These people_ are the Mastonians, and they are a very proud and honorable people," said Teyla sharply.

"Yes, yes, the Mastonians. Whatever. Anyway, I'm a physicist, not a negotiator, and –"

Ronon snorted. "You got that right."

McKay sighed and shook his head. "As I was trying to say, I'm a brilliant physicist and I fail to see how I need to memorize all the social antics of every barbaric tribe we seek a trade agreement with. I'm here to check out the ruins Teyla spoke of and see if there might be any Ancient technology there. Those of you with simpler ambitions in life, like shooting and blowing stuff up can work out the food trading thing."

Kramer cringed as he looked to Sheppard, waiting on the man to explode at the barrage of insults from the scientist. He was shocked to see Sheppard smiling mischievously as he goaded McKay.

"There's nothing wrong with shooting and blowing things up occasionally. Those little actions have saved our lives once or twice as I recall. As to the food issue, you would complain the longest and loudest of anyone if we ran short and you know it."

Teyla and Ronon exchanged smirks and Kramer began to realize this absurd conversation was actually part of their team dynamics. Very strange team dynamics, yet comforting and slightly entertaining. These people were obviously very comfortable with each other. He had a sinking feeling that he really had totally misread his new CO and didn't have the first inkling as to what this man would or wouldn't find funny. Cranky Physicist – entertaining. Plastic bug – not even close. He cringed inwardly as he thought about how totally immature his prank really had been.

"Hey, I can't help it if I'm hypoglycemic. That's right, make fun of the scientist yet again. This is what I get for hanging around with a bunch of goons."

Sheppard stopped and held up his hand, causing everyone else to come to a halt. He pointed over the treetops ahead. "Is that smoke?"

All eyes went up to observe clouds of smoke, drifting upward on the slight breeze. As they realized they were not looking at the smoke from a campfire, the odor of burnt – well, burnt everything – assaulted their nostrils. It was a mixture and it wasn't pleasant. Wood, grass, clothing, hair . . . flesh. Sheppard motioned for Simpson, McKay, and Ronon to take cover in the trees on the left side of the path, while he, Kramer, and Teyla took to the trees on the right.

The group carefully and quietly made their way to the village through the cover of the forest, each gripping his gun, striving to expect the unexpected. When they reached the edge of the settlement, death and destruction met their gaze. Every house was a smoking pile of rubble. Debris and a few bodies littered the dirt path between the homes.

"Wraith," hissed Teyla, a mixture of fear and hatred marring her features and filling her eyes.

"Are they still around?" whispered Sheppard.

"They are not near, but I sense a faint presence. It may be a remnant of their visit or they may have moved away from the village."

Kramer looked at Simpson, who merely shrugged. What did she mean, sense the Wraith? He filed the question away to ask later, when they were safe in Atlantis. He felt a surge of excitement and fear at the thought of his first sighting of the Wraith. He was ready, or so he thought.

"Okay, let move out slowly. Look for survivors and watch your back." Sheppard crept out into what served as a street and moved to a body, partially covered with debris. He pulled the piece of roof off the body as Kramer and Simpson walked up to stand beside him. They looked down on the aged and whithered shell of a man, sucked dry by a Wraith.

"Oh, God!" exclaimed Simpson, stumbling back and almost falling. He quickly turned to one side and wretched, partially from the sight of the desiccated corpse and partially from the odor of burnt flesh that hung in the air.

Kramer simply stood with his mouth partially open, unable to speak or move for several seconds. "What . . . what is that?"

Sheppard turned and looked at the young soldier. "That's what you look like after a Wraith feeds off you. They use their hand to literally suck the life out of you. This probably won't be the last time you see this. _This_ is why we need help and why we have to keep them away from earth at all costs."

Kramer nodded. "It looks like a horrible way to die."

"You have no idea," Sheppard whispered.

Simpson wiped his mouth and rejoined them, making himself look back down at the shell of a human. "I think I'd rather someone put a bullet between my eyes than go like that."

Sheppard's eyes and voice took on a distant quality, as if part of him was no longer there with them. "Yeah, that's what I thought."

They looked carefully at their CO, realizing there was more to the statement than just a random observation. Kramer once again filed away his question to ask of someone later.

Sheppard rejoined the present. "Let's spread out and look for survivors. Bring any bodies you find out here. The least we can do is give them a proper burial." They spread out and began the daunting task of searching the rubble for survivors or bodies.

Sheppard moved over to Ronon, who was kneeling beside one of the burned buildings. "How long ago, do you think?"

Ronon stood and looked out over the burned wreckage of the settlement. "Sometime yesterday. They didn't stand a chance."

Sheppard nodded. "I know. They usually don't."

Kramer realized he knew little about Ronon, other than he was from this galaxy. He must be a good tracker. Sheppard had gone to him immediately for a time frame to the attack and the man had produced an answer quickly and decisively. Another question to have answered later – who was this Ronon?

Two hours later they took a break, sitting in the shade and sipping their water, bodies covered with sweat, dirt, and ash. They were exhausted and sad, sporting minor burns on their hands and arms. They had found four bodies, all sucked dry by the Wraith, and no survivors. The rest of the village was just . . . missing, undoubtedly picked up by darts and carried back to a hive ship to meet a horrible fate. None of them spoke as they sat, realizing there was nothing else they could do – the village was gone.

"Teyla," said Sheppard. "You knew these people. How did they dispose of their dead?"

Kramer glanced over at Sheppard. "They're all dead or gone sir, what does it matter?"

Sheppard looked at him like a parent looks at a small child who had just asked an incredibly stupid question. "It matters. We didn't get here in time to help them, but we can still show respect."

Teyla smiled. "They cremated the remains."

"Okay, then that's what we'll do." Sheppard got up and headed out toward the bodies, laid side by side in the dirt. One by one, the other team members followed him.

Realizing they didn't have the supplies or equipment to build a platform, they ended up flattening the rubble from one of the houses and laying the bodies out on it. They surrounded the remains with as much flammable material as they could gather and set the place on fire. They stood in silence, watching the last of the village go up in smoke. They were bone-weary and yet it was only a little past noon.

"There's nothing more we can do here. Let's go home." Sheppard turned toward their pile of weapons on the ground behind them.

"Wait," called McKay. He was looking at the screen of the Ancient scanner in his hand. "I'm picking up some energy readings not far from here. I think we should check it out."

Sheppard sighed. "What kind of energy readings?"

McKay rolled his eyes. "Well, if I knew that, I wouldn't need to go check it out, now would I? They're relatively weak, so it could be an almost depleted ZPM or a one that has simply been powered down or . . . it could be something else."

"In what direction is this energy source?" asked Teyla.

McKay pointed in the opposite direction of the stargate. "That way, maybe five or six miles."

Teyla turned to Sheppard. "I have not been to the ruins since I was a child, but I do remember that they were in that direction."

Sheppard bowed his head. He wanted nothing more than to return to Atlantis, take a scalding hot shower, and curl up in bed with some Tylenol, but he knew this was worth looking into. They needed another ZPM.

"Okay, kids, looks like we're going on a ZPM hunt. Let's take a lunch break for about thirty minutes and then we move out." Sheppard made his way over to sit in the shade as they had done earlier. He rubbed his neck, feeling the ache from the effort of moving the heavy debris all morning. He stopped when he caught McKay looking at him.

"Colonel?"

"Fine, McKay, just tired like everyone else. Be sure you eat something. I'm not carrying you if you faint from hunger."

McKay unwrapped a power bar and held it up for Sheppard to see. "Eating. You should do the same." He started to take a bite and then paused, turning back to Sheppard. "And I don't faint, I pass out." He bit into the power bar, smirk firmly in place.

Sheppard took another sip of water. "I lost my appetite." He leaned his head back against the tree and closed his eyes, opting for resting over eating.

Thirty minutes later, Sheppard opened his eyes and lifted his head. "Lunch break is over. Let's get moving." Sheppard got to his feet and stood gazing in the direction of the stargate. "Simpson, I need you to go back to the gate. Contact Atlantis and tell them what's happened and then stay close to the gate. We'll stay in radio contact and that way, if we have problems, you can send for help. Let us know if you see any sign of Wraith and stay out of sight. You can tell Atlantis we should be back tomorrow afternoon some time."

Simpson nodded. "Yes, sir."

"And Simpson, be careful. Keep your eyes open."

He nodded again. "I will, sir. I'll contact you when I reach the gate."

Sheppard looked at the airman a second, hesitating to send him out alone.

Simpson picked up on his doubt. "I'll be fine, sir. Really. I can do this."

"Okay. Just be careful."

As Simpson started to leave, Kramer grabbed his arm. "Mark, watch your back. You heard Teyla, there could be Wraith around."

Simpson smiled at him. "I'll be fine. It's you guys I'm worried about. Watch yourself, Jack, and for heaven's sake, stay out of trouble."

Kramer returned his grin. "I'll try, but no promises. You know me."

Simpson rolled his eyes. "Yes, I do and that's why I'm worried. I won't be there to slap your hand and tell you 'no'. Be on your best behavior."

He nodded. "I will. Catch up with you tomorrow."

Simpson nodded and headed down the path to the gate. Kramer couldn't explain the sinking feeling in his gut, so he attributed it to the fact that it was their first mission. _Bound to have a few butterflies,_ he thought.

Ronon stepped up to Sheppard, watching him stare at the retreating back of the airman. "You want me to go with him?"

Sheppard hesitated and then shook his head. "No, all we need is someone to be our contact with Atlantis. He should be okay. I need everyone at the ruins so we have manpower there in case we need it. I have a suspicion that if there are still Wraith on this planet, that's where they'll be. An energy source is a possible site for humans. It's like a grocery store sign to them."

Ronon stood silently for several seconds before asking, "What is a grocery store?"

Sheppard smiled and shook his head. "It's a place where people on earth go to buy food. Okay, let's move out."

oOo

Elizabeth Weir punched the keys on her computer, typing up one of the many reports she was behind on. She sighed as she paused and sipped her coffee, sputtering at the now lukewarm liquid. "Ugh!"

The alarms sounded for an incoming wormhole, momentarily startling her. She walked out to the control panel and waited on the tech to fill her in.

"It's Simpson's IDC and we're receiving a radio transmission. Patching it through now."

"Atlantis, this is Airman Simpson."

"This is Dr. Weir. What's your status?"

"Ma'am, the Mastonian village has been destroyed by Wraith. We found four bodies and no survivors. Colonel Sheppard said the rest were probably culled and taken to a hive ship. The rest of the team is going to some ruins a few miles away. Dr. McKay was picking up an energy reading of some kind. They said they should be back tomorrow."

Elizabeth felt her stomach tighten with worry. "Could you tell how long ago the Wraith were there?"

"Ronon said the destruction probably took place yesterday. The buildings were still smoking when we got there."

Elizabeth sighed. She wished they had just come back to Atlantis and taken a team to check out the ruins later. If the culling took place yesterday, there could still be Wraith around, looking for survivors. "Okay, let us know if you need anything or run into problems. Check back in with us in four hours and let us know your status."

"Yes ma'am. Colonel Sheppard told me to remain at the gate so I could contact you if needed."

"Good. We'll talk to you in four hours. Atlantis out." As the gate shut down, Weir walked back into her office and sat down. They weren't expecting to be back until tomorrow. That meant at least twenty-four hours of worrying about her top team . . . and her friends. She tapped her ear-piece again. "Major Lorne this is Weir. I need to see you in my office as soon as possible." Better to be ready for worst scenario, after all – this _was_ the Pegasus Galaxy. All bets were off here.

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

Memories or Nightmares - Chapter 4

"Colonel Sheppard, this is Simpson. What is your status, Sir?"

Sheppard reached up and clicked his radio on. "Simpson, we're just now reaching the ruins. We're currently looking for a way in. No sign of Wraith yet. How about your end?"

"No, Sir. Everything is quiet here. I was about to contact Atlantis and give them an update."

Sheppard watched the others pulling vines and plants away from the stone ruins of a building. "Okay, tell them everything's okay for now. I'll contact you after we get inside and have an idea if there's anything useful or not. I should be able to give you an ETA by then."

"I'll pass that on, Sir. Simpson out."

As Sheppard approached the others, he heard McKay's excited voice break through the sound of panting and rustling plants.

"I've got it. Here's the door." McKay pushed on the large wooden door, barely producing a sliver of an opening. His second push produced a wide opening, mainly because Ronon joined in the efforts.

McKay turned to the big man. "I could have done it."

"I know, but I wanted us to get in today." He turned and walked off, leaving McKay standing there with his mouth open and no one to hear his sarcastic retort.

"Fine. Insult me and leave. That's fine." He started to take a step in when Sheppard grabbed his arm and pulled him back out of the doorway. "What'd you do that for?"

"Out of the way, McKay. Let me check it out first." Sheppard grinned. "That _is_ what us goons are here for, you know." Sheppard stepped in, sweeping the room with the light on his P90.

"Oh, very funny. Everyone's a comedian today." McKay sighed as he waited for Sheppard to clear the room.

A few minutes later, Sheppard poked his head out the door. "McKay, all clear. And I mean that literally."

McKay frowned as he entered the building and was surprised to find it lit up. "There's lights?"

"Seems to be. They came on when I walked in." Sheppard continued to walk around the perimeter of the room as the others filed in.

Kramer looked around at the large room with stone walls. The room seemed very old and dusty, but also very empty. McKay was studying the display on the Ancient scanner.

"This is it. This is the source of the energy."

Sheppard looked back at McKay. "Are you sure? I'm not seeing anything, McKay."

McKay rolled his eyes. "No, Colonel, I've been using this thing for over a year and I still have no idea how to read it. I'm just making up the energy source to cover my ignorance. Of course I'm sure it's here. Start looking for hidden panels or something."

Sheppard just grinned as he began to run his hands along the wall. A few moments later, a panel slid to one side, revealing a hand-shaped impression. "McKay?"

McKay was at his side in two seconds. "That's it. Activate it."

Sheppard hesitated. "This thing isn't going to poison me or anything is it?"

"No, no, no. It's not a puzzle like the ones on Dagan. This should be safe."

"Should be?"

Kramer, Teyla, and Ronon had joined Sheppard and McKay at the panel, and now stood a few feet behind the pair. Kramer looked at Teyla, eyebrows raised in question.

"Dagan was a planet where we found a ZPM," explained Teyla. "In order to get it, one had to solve a puzzle and then place their hands into depressions like the one in the wall. If the puzzle was solved incorrectly, it injected a poison that killed almost immediately. Colonel Sheppard was forced at gunpoint to solve the puzzle and retrieve the ZPM."

Kramer swallowed hard. "I'm assuming he solved it correctly."

"Yes," said Teyla. "The man who tried before him was not so fortunate."

McKay sighed loudly. "So are you going to activate it or not?"

"I'm going, McKay. Keep your pants on." Sheppard put his hand up to the impression, hesitated a few seconds, and then pressed it into the wall. Part of the wall to their right slid away, revealing a control panel six feet long. It looked similar to some of the ones found in Atlantis.

"Yes!" exclaimed McKay. McKay touched the panel, but nothing happened. He sighed and bowed his head. "Colonel?"

Sheppard stepped over to the control panel and touched it. It immediately lit up, prompting McKay to sigh again. "Stupid fake gene," he muttered.

Kramer's eyebrows shot up in amazement. He'd heard stories about the ATA gene and Sheppard's ability to activate Ancient technology, but he'd never actually seen it in action. Very cool.

Sheppard grinned and clapped McKay on the back. "Guess this is one goon who can do more than shoot and blow stuff up. I must have good genes too."

"Yes, yes. I know. And you passed the Mensa test, too. I remember. Now go away and let me work, unless you've suddenly developed an ability to analyze Ancient technology."

Kramer's head shot up. Sheppard passed the Mensa test? He threw a plastic bug on someone who could have been in Mensa? He was feeling dumber by the minute. There was a lot more to his CO than met the eye. He quietly filed away more questions for later.

Sheppard was still grinning at McKay. "No, I'd better leave something for you to do. I'll go check the perimeter." He turned to Kramer. "You're with Ronon and me outside. Teyla, stay in here with McKay. Call us if you need us."

Sheppard led the way outside. "Ronon, circle around to the right and I'll take the left. Kramer, you stay here by the door. Radio me if you see anything."

"Yes, sir. Sir . . . that was cool." Kramer looked nervously at Sheppard, not sure of how his CO would react, given past events.

Sheppard looked at him a moment and then smiled. "Yeah, sometimes it's very cool." He turned and began checking out the area around the ruins.

Kramer just breathed a sigh of relief and began his watch. He'd finally made a step in the right direction and he didn't intend to screw anything else up.

oOo

It was almost dark two hours later when Sheppard ambled up to the door leading into the ruins. "Have you heard anything out of McKay?" he asked Kramer.

"No, sir. Well, unless you count the occasional ranting and raving."

Sheppard grinned. 'No, that doesn't count. If he had anything worth mentioning, you'd know it. I'll go check on him." Sheppard walked into the empty room, noticing Teyla looking bored beyond words as she walked the perimeter. He could swear she was glaring at him, but he just nodded as if he didn't notice. Better for her to be stuck in here with Rambling Rodney than him. It occurred to him that it was a good thing she couldn't read minds, or he'd be history the next time they sparred. Actually, the way she was looking at him, he was probably already in deep trouble.

"So, McKay, what's the story? Do you know anything yet?"

McKay straightened from his position bent over his laptop and turned to Sheppard, crossing his arms. "Yes, as a matter of fact I do. I was just about to call you. I'm afraid our little hike across the boondocks was a monumental waste of time."

"No ZPM?"

"Oh, there's a ZPM. But it has even less power left than the one we found at Atlantis when we first arrived. It apparently used to power some sort of shield across a big section of the planet, but it's been too weak to do that for a while. There's barely enough juice to keep the lights going. As a matter of fact, when we leave and the lights go back out, I'd bet that's their final farewell."

Sheppard sighed and rubbed his forehead. If only he'd just headed back to Atlantis for that shower and the Tylenol, he could be curled up in bed, clean and asleep right now. But then life didn't revolve around "if onlys".

"Colonel?"

"Okay, let's wrap this up and make camp for the night. We'll head back first thing in the morning." Sheppard walked back out the door into the sunlight, blinking hard against the sudden change in brightness. "Ronon," he called over the radio. 'Come on back in. We're done here."

oOo

"You know, you really should have told me that we were walking all the way back to the gate in the dark. I could have at least gotten prepared." McKay stumbled and grunted, emphasizing his point.

Sheppard just sighed loudly. "I told you McKay, we aren't walking all the way to the gate. I just don't want to set up camp right by the ruins. We'll be sitting ducks if there are any Wraith around." Sheppard stopped and surveyed the area where they stood. "Okay, this looks good. See McKay, we're here already. Welcome to the Hotel California. You have first choice of rooms."

McKay rolled his eyes and gave Sheppard a sideways glance. "Ha, ha, Colonel. Oh, look, you're still not funny." He paused and looked deep in thought for a few seconds and then looked up at Sheppard, shaking his index finger.. "Wasn't Hotel California the one you could never check out of?"

Sheppard just grinned. "Let's get settled and get some rest. We've got a long hike at first light. Kramer, you take first watch. One of us will relieve you in two hours."

"Yes, sir." Kramer smiled and went to set up a perimeter around their camp. Little by little he was beginning to get a sense of belonging – and he liked it. He'd been terrified to go out on Sheppard's team after the his not-so-brilliant prank, but he was starting to feel more at ease.

Two hours later, Ronon approached Kramer, stopping right in front of him. "My turn."

Kramer nodded and took a step back, intending to head in toward the others. Ronon made him nervous, still, and he really didn't want the big guy mad at him. After a couple of steps, though, he had second thoughts. Turning back toward Ronon, he noticed he was being watched.

"Ronon, I heard . . . I heard you were a runner. What does that mean . . . exactly?" Kramer shifted his weight nervously from foot to foot, half expecting the towering man to flatten him like a bug. Several seconds of uncomfortable silence followed.

"I was captured by the Wraith. They implanted a tracking device and hunted me for sport for seven years."

Kramer's jaw dropped. Seven years of running for your life. He couldn't even imagine how bad that must have been. "How did you come to Atlantis?"

"Sheppard. When he found out, he got Dr. Beckett to remove it. My home world was destroyed by the Wraith, so I had no where to go. Sheppard put me on his team."

Kramer nodded. "I guess you guys are pretty close?"

"I would give my life for him, or any other member of this team. We take care of each other."

Kramer nodded again. "I hope to be part of a team like that some day." He turned and headed toward the rest of the group.

As he approached the camp, he noticed they had started a small fire. The flickering light revealed McKay sitting on a fallen log, hunched over his laptop. As he neared the fire, he saw Sheppard come out of the shadows, moving toward him and the fire.

"So, Kramer , how was your first night of guard duty on an alien planet?"

"Very quiet, sir, I'm glad to say. I wasn't sure what . . . Sir, don't move." Kramer could hardly believe his eyes. What appeared to be a very large, very black, very hairy spider sat on Sheppard's left shoulder. Did they have spiders in the Pegasus Galaxy?

Sheppard froze for a split second before breaking out in a grin. "Yeah, right. You know, I thought you'd learned your lesson about pranking me, Airman Kramer."

Oh crap. Did that make him the boy who cried wolf? Or in his case, bug. "Sir, I'm not kidding. There's a big spider on your shoulder. I think you should be still."

Teyla and McKay looked at Sheppard just about the time he inadvertently shifted his shoulder. Yelping, he brought his right hand up and swept the thing off, sending it flying several feet. As soon as it hit the ground, Kramer had his gun out, shooting it several times until what was left of it was literally belly up. By the time it was quiet again, Ronon had run up to join them, gun drawn.

"What?" he yelled.

They all stood in stunned silence for several moments before their eyes went back to Sheppard and Teyla rushed to his side.

"John, did the creature hurt you?"

Sheppard rolled his upper lip under a second and then moved his gaze from the dead spider to Teyla. "I . . . I think it bit me."

"You should sit down," she said firmly, taking his right arm.

He started to move forward and then grimaced, moving his right hand over to his left arm. Intense pain stabbed into his shoulder and began to radiate down his arm, up his neck, and across his chest. He swayed at the sudden burst of intense torment and Teyla strengthened her grip.

"John?"

His team had instinctively moved in closer and noticed the color drain from his face as he broke out in a sweat and tightened his jaw. McKay moved to his other side and tried to help Teyla sit him down without hurting him further.

"Tell us what's happening," said McKay, his face grim.

Sheppard sat with his eyes closed and his head bowed for several seconds. "Not a simple . . . bite. Hurts bad. What is it . . . with the bugs . . . in this galaxy? Oh, crap!"

"The spider must have injected some sort of venom," observed Kramer.

"McKay rolled his eyes. "Oh, good. Yet another Captain Obvious. I think we figured that out, thank you. What are we going to do? We're several miles from the gate and if he's already in that much pain, he'll never make it." McKay suddenly stepped back and began looking around, his eyes darting around in panic. "Oh my gosh, there's bound to be more of these things in the forest. What if we all get bitten?"

"Settle down, Dr. McKay," Teyla snapped. "Right now we must attend to Colonel Sheppard."

McKay looked at her for a second and then took a deep breath. "Right. I knew that. Beckett. We need to contact Atlantis and have them send Beckett." He activated his radio. "Simpson, are you there? This is Dr. McKay. We need you to dial up Atlantis."

"I'm here, sir. I'm dialing Atlantis now."

"Let them know that a big spider just bit Colonel Sheppard and he's in a great deal of pain, leading us to believe it's poisonous. We need Dr. Beckett and a medical team to meet us."

"Yes, sir."

McKay put his hand on Sheppard's right shoulder. "Hang in there, Colonel. Help's on the way."

Teyla suddenly stiffened and began looking around.

Ronon noticed immediately. "Teyla, what's wrong?"

Teyla peered into the darkness around them. "Wraith."

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

If you guys are trying to freak me out with the volume of reviews, then you've been very successful. I've been doing this crazy happy dance all day, convincing my family that maybe I should be fitted for a padded cell. Many, many heartfelt thanks!

Memories or Nightmares – Chapter 5

Elizabeth closed the lid to her laptop and sighed. Finally. She was caught up on her reports for the first time in a long time and she smiled at her productiveness. Standing and stretching, she was surprised to see how late it was. No wonder she was getting tired and stiff. Still, she had accomplished a lot and could sleep knowing her work was done.

As she walked out of the office, she almost laughed. Right, like she would actually sleep tonight, worrying about a certain team on a planet that might still have wraith. Who did she think she was kidding? She had almost made it out of the room when the gate alarm began sounding. Whirling around, she quickly moved to the tech at the gate controls.

"We have an incoming radio transmission, Ma'am. I'm transferring it to you now."

Elizabeth's radio crackled to life. "Atlantis, this is Airman Simpson."

"This is Dr. Weir, Simpson, what's going on?"

"Dr. McKay said I should inform you that Colonel Sheppard has been bitten by a poisonous spider of some kind and needs Dr. Beckett and a medical team. They're several hours from the gate, so they want the medical team to meet them part way."

Elizabeth dropped her head. She should have known it couldn't be simple with them. It rarely was. She looked at the tech. "Can I contact the team directly?"

The tech nodded. "You should be able to reach them."

"Rodney, it's Elizabeth, can you read me? What's going on?"

McKay snapped his head up. "Elizabeth. Look, we're in a bit of trouble here. The Colonel has managed to find yet another unfriendly bug to bite him. Well, actually it's more of a spider. Anyway, this one was apparently poisonous. And Teyla just informed us that the Wraith are here as well."

Elizabeth gasped. The Wraith. "Is there any where for a jumper to land?"

"Negative, too many trees. The only place clear enough is right by the gate, and that kind of defeats the purpose of sending one."

"Okay, I'll get Major Lorne to get a team together to accompany the medical team. That should give you some back up. They'll contact you when they arrive on the planet so you can give them your location. How's John?"

"I'm here," replied Sheppard, holding his right arm across his tightening chest and clutching his left arm. "Hurts . . . like a . . . son of a bitch . . . but I'm still mobile." His last word trailed off into a low moan as the pain flared across his shoulder and up into his neck.

Elizabeth bit down on her lower lip, recognizing the pain in his voice, knowing he was trying to hold it together for his team. "Hang in there, John, help's on the way. Be careful . . . and quit playing with the wildlife."

Sheppard chuckled in spite of the pain, knowing she was trying to ease the tension. "Bugs in this galaxy . . . hate me."

Elizabeth's mouth turned up in a wry grin. "Next time I'll give you a can of Raid before I send you out to play."

Rodney sighed. "Look, as touching as this is, the Wraith are bearing down on us and we need to get moving. You two can chat later."

Elizabeth nodded to herself. "I know. Be safe."

"We will. Don't worry, I'll get him back in one piece."

"Atlantis out." Elizabeth took a deep breath and let it out slowly before moving to call Lorne.

Back on the planet, Teyla kneeled next to Sheppard. "They are close. We need to leave. Can you walk?"

Sheppard clutched his arm more tightly. "I can walk." Beads of sweat lined his forehead and he was starting to pant shallowly. "Help me up."

As Ronon kicked out the fire, Teyla and Rodney helped Sheppard to his feet. They continued to hold him firmly as he swayed, dizzy and weak. After a few seconds, he steadied himself.

"Okay, I can walk." It made him slightly uneasy that everyone was looking at him with an expression of disbelief on their face. "Teyla, you lead . . . less likely to get us lost. Ronon . . . take our six. Move out."

Kramer was slightly amazed. His CO was injured and obviously in pain and still, he tried to lead them to safety. He realized that his respect for Sheppard was growing almost by the minute. Nothing like disaster and trauma to bring out a person's true colors. And Sheppard kept coming out smelling like a rose.

"Wait!" McKay stopped and looked back at the dead spider. "Carson will probably want that. One of us should get it."

Ronon snorted. "One of us, as in not you?"

McKay looked uneasy and shrugged. "Entomology was never my thing."

Ronon walked over and picked up the spider by one leg. "You sure it's not 'messy and scary' that was never your thing?" He looked around for a place to put it. Finally, he walked over to McKay, who pulled back as he got close.

"What are you doing?"

"You said we should take it. I don't have pockets." Ronon pulled open a pocket on McKay's vest and dropped the spider inside. Closing the top, he patted it shut.

"Ooh! You did _not_ just put that in my pocket." McKay began dancing around pulling at his vest. "Get it out. What if it's not really dead? Get it out!"

Ronon clamped a hand firmly on McKay's shoulder. "It's dead. Now let's go."

McKay stopped and stared at Ronon a second before shifting his gaze to Sheppard. His face was pinched and pale and he swayed slightly as he fought to stay on his feet. McKay just nodded and turned back to follow Teyla.

Ronon stopped beside Kramer as he moved to the back of the team. "Stick close to Sheppard."

"Don't need . . . babysitter," mumbled Sheppard.

"You do today." Ronon turned back to Kramer. "And you're it."

Kramer nodded. "I'll take good care of him."

Ronon growled. "You better."

Kramer's eyes widened and he looked at McKay as Ronon moved away. "Did he just growl at me?"

McKay shrugged. "I find that it's best to do what he says when he starts growling."

oOo

Nick looked up to see Carson come rushing into the infirmary, murmuring to himself, his accent thick.

"Carson, what's up? You checking up on me?"

"No, it's Colonel Sheppard. He's tangled with another bloody bug and lost. He's been bitten by a spider, apparently a poisonous one, and they're requestin' a medical team meet them on the planet."

"Along came a spider . . . Would you like me to go?"

Carson sighed. "There's Wraith on the planet."

Nick's expression sobered. "All the more reason I should go instead of you. Colonel Sheppard's been working with me on upgrading my weapons skills. Plus, you're the Chief Medical Officer."

Carson hesitated.

Nick walked over to stand by him. "I'm going, Carson. Help me pack up what we need."

Carson nodded. "They're several miles from the gate, so you'll need a medical team and a stretcher. I doubt the Colonel will be able to walk the whole way."

Nick smiled and nodded.

oOo

Major Lorne led the combined military and medical team through the gate. Simpson met them at the DHD, obviously relieved to see reinforcements arrive.

"Simpson, have you heard anything else from them?"

"No, sir. Nothing since they talked to Dr. Weir."

Lorne clicked his radio twice, letting the team know he was there without risking giving away their position if they happened to be hiding.

Teyla held her hand up for the team to stop. She tapped into her radio. "Major Lorne?"

"This is Lorne. We're here on the planet. What's your status?"

"We are moving as fast as we can towards the gate. I'm afraid we are still several miles away, though. The darkness and the rough terrain and . . . make travel difficult."

Sheppard leaned against a tree, panting heavily. His vision was blurry and his legs felt like rubber. The searing pain in his shoulder had now spread completely down his arm and across his chest and stomach. Even his legs were beginning to hurt. "She's trying . . . to say that . . . I'm slowing them down."

Nick tapped in on his radio "Colonel, can you describe your symptoms?"

"Feels like . . . hot knife where it . . . bit me on shoulder. Arm's . . . numb, but it . . . hurts too. Pain in chest . . . stomach . . . neck. Dizzy . . . blurred vision . . . " Sheppard suddenly grabbed the tree trunk with his good arm and leaned over, retching until his stomach was empty."

"I think you can add nausea and vomiting to that list," said Kramer.

Nick made note of the way Sheppard's words were starting to slur. "Are you having any trouble breathing?"

Sheppard hesitated. He hadn't really wanted to bring that up, afraid it would scare his team even more than they already were. "Maybe a little."

Nick sighed. "Okay, it sounds like a neurotoxin, but I have no idea how strong it might be. You really don't need to be exerting yourself like this. It spreads the venom through your system faster. Can you wait for us?"

"No," said Sheppard immediately. "Got Wraith . . . after us."

"Okay, there's not much you can do on your end. Teyla, Rodney, keep an eye on him and watch his breathing. Let me know if he gets worse." He didn't want to tell them that they weren't really equipped to help him if it did get worse. They needed to get him back to Atlantis.

"Teyla?" said Lorne. "We need to know how to get to you."

Teyla gave Lorne instructions on their position and they agreed to contact by radio every half hour unless the Wraith were too close.

Simpson approached Lorne as they were getting ready to head out. "Sir, I want to come with you."

Lorne shook his head. "We need you by the gate in case we need to contact Atlantis."

"Sir, you need _someone_ by the gate. My best friend is out there, not to mention the team I came here with. I'd like to see this mission through doing something besides sitting by the gate."

Lorne looked at Simpson for several seconds. He then turned back to his men. "Clayson, Jenkins, you two stay by the gate and let us know if there are any problems. Simpson, you're with us."

"Thank you, sir."

Lorne nodded. "Keep you're head up and don't make me regret that decision, airman."

"Yes, sir."

oOo

Thirty minutes later, Sheppard began to stagger. He was increasingly dizzy and sleepy and the pain was now shooting through his legs. He could no longer feel or move his left arm and it dangled uselessly at his side. The funny thing was, it still felt like fire running through his veins and shooting hot pain through the limb, even though it was numb to the touch on the outside. He tucked his arm into his vest to help keep it from flopping around and throwing off what little balance he had left.

Kramer, walking one step behind, saw the action. "Sir, are you all right?"

Sheppard continued to trudge forward, having to concentrate on making his legs move, putting one foot in front of the other. "I'm good." The words were barely out of his mouth before he stumbled, and would have fallen if Kramer had not grabbed the back of his vest, pulling him upright.

"Thanks . . . airman. Keep . . . moving."

Kramer continued to watch his CO closely, observing the lines of pain marring his features and hearing his labored breathing. Sheppard was getting worse and there wasn't a thing they could do about it. He had seen Dr. McKay glancing over to the Colonel, also keeping an eye on the team leader. He looked as concerned as Kramer felt.

Sheppard made it for another 45 minutes before collapsing.

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

I am so sorry for the long delay. I'm afraid RL intervened and told me I HAD to tend to other things for a bit. Can you believe the nerve? Once again, thank you for the astounding reviews – I know "thank you" is woefully inadequate, but that's all I can do. Many thanks to Kathy for sending me wheatie, currently keeping my neck and shoulders warm and loose so that I dare start typing a chapter at 10pm.

Memories or Nightmares – Chapter 6

Kramer regarded Sheppard with something between awe and dismay. How was the man still on his feet? They weren't really running through the forest, but they were moving at a very fast paced walk, almost a jog. Sheppard had somehow managed to keep up with the group as they made their way to the gate, just barely two steps ahead of the Wraith. Body language and facial expressions let Kramer know that his CO was in a great deal of pain and was having more and more trouble both seeing and breathing.

Kramer recognized the signs – Sheppard wasn't going to remain on his feet much longer. He was slowing, beginning to stagger more, his legs showing signs of buckling. Kramer made sure he stayed close to Sheppard, to be there when his momentum ran out. And finally, it did.

The young airman caught Sheppard as the Colonel's legs gave way and he yielded to the pull of gravity. Although Sheppard's contact with the ground wasn't exactly gentle, it was softened some by Kramer's actions. Sheppard immediately rolled over to his right side and curled up, clutching his right arm across his stomach and groaning softly. In a matter of seconds, the team realized what had happened and rushed to Sheppard's side. Teyla kneeled beside him, placing her hand softly against his back.

"Colonel? Can you hear me?"

A few seconds later, the intense wave of pain lightened and Sheppard relaxed a little, his breathing halting and labored. "Yeah . . . help me . . . sit up." Sheppard began moving his right arm, trying to push himself up off the ground.

Teyla and Kramer helped him sit up and moved him over so that he leaned against a tree trunk. Sheppard pulled his knees up partway to his chest and closed his eyes tightly, battling another wave of pain. A few moments later he breathed out deeply and opened his eyes. He vainly tried to focus on the figures before him, but could still only see blurry shapes. He thought he could identify everyone, but by size and clothing, not by facial features.

"I'm not . . . going to make it. Leave me." He tried to push himself up straighter against the trunk as he struggled to breathe.

"No," snapped Teyla. "We will not leave you."

Sheppard looked at her, trying to emphasize the situation. "Have to . . . Wraith not far . . . can't walk any more . . . Have to leave me."

"I can carry you," said Ronon.

Sheppard tried to shake his head, but quit almost immediately because of the pain it sent radiating into his neck and head. "No . . . hands free to shoot . . . Just give me extra . . . ammo. I'll . . . buy some time."

Kramer's head was spinning. He was thankful it wasn't his decision. What do you do when your commanding officer tells you to leave him behind. He shuddered, hoping the group answer would be no – unable to imagine that they would actually leave him.

McKay sputtered, a combination of anger and fear causing him to stutter. "Y-y-y-ou can't be serious. We don't leave people behind, Colonel, remember? It was you that taught us that."

"This's different, McKay." He fought against the almost overwhelming weight of his eyelids, not sure how much longer he could stay conscious. He had to stay awake.

"How? How is this different? Teyla, do you think this is different? This isn't different. We aren't leaving you here to be fed on by the Wraith. You can sacrifice yourself to the hero gods another day, Colonel." McKay had worked himself up to the point he was red in the face and spraying spittle as he talked. No one seemed to notice, though, as they worked to change Sheppard's mind.

Sheppard breath hitched a second. "McKay . . . I'm probably not . . . going to make it . . . anyway. Let me die . . . saving my team . . . instead of getting them killed."

"No," they all said in unison, surprising Sheppard and themselves.

Ronon's mouth turned up in a small smile. "We aren't leaving you, Sheppard. Get used to it."

"It's an order . . . not a request." Sheppard watched as McKay, Teyla, and Ronon stood side by side with their arms crossed and smiled down at him.

"Colonel Sheppard, we are not leaving you and that is final," announced Teyla. "Nothing you can say will change our mind."

Sheppard sighed, not an easy feat when every breath was a painful struggle. "If we . . . get outta here . . . you're in so much trouble." He looked up at the blurry figures before him, not missing their rebellious stance, even with his eyesight screwed up. "Thanks," he said softly as he smiled weakly.

"You're welcome," said McKay.

Ronon looked around. "Looks like we're digging in to make a stand here. Let's see if we can get a more defensible position."

Teyla nodded. "The Wraith are close. I will let Major Lorne know." Teyla clicked her radio on. "Major Lorne, this is Teyla."

"Lorne here. What's your status?"

"Colonel Sheppard can travel no further and I feel the Wraith are very close. We are attempting to make our situation more defensible and will fight them off here."

"Understood. I think we're close to your position, but we'll double time it."

"Thank you. I believe we will need your help soon."

"We're on our way. Lorne out."

Ronon and Kramer moved Sheppard to a more protected area with some dense bushes and rocks. Ronon told Kramer to continue to stick close to Sheppard, realizing that if the Wraith broke through, Sheppard would be able to do little to defend himself. Everyone then took up positions radiating out from Sheppard, with Ronon on one side and Teyla and McKay on the other. They were barely behind cover when the first stunner blast shot past McKay, causing him to lean back so fast, he almost lost his balance.

Everyone began firing as the Wraith came into view, plunging through the forest in search of their prey. The one in the lead went down almost immediately, hit by several bursts of fire. The Wraith retaliated with a sudden bombardment of stunner blasts, making it dangerous to lean out from the cover to fire their weapons.

Several Wraith were felled by the rapid-firing P90s, as well as Ronon's gun, but it seemed that for every one that dropped, another took his place. Even Sheppard was firing at the enemy. He was unable to handle the P90, so he used his 9mm to carefully dole out headshots. He wasn't fast due to his failing vision, but he could still see enough to be accurate.

Kramer's heart was beating so fast that he was sure it would explode any minute. He could feel the fear and excitement course through him like an electric current and he thought this had to be the ultimate high. He was almost on automatic as he aimed and fired, releasing ammo into each Wraith until it finally succumbed and dropped to the ground, unmoving. As long as it moved, he continued to fire. He had just finished off one Wraith when he realized another sensed his preoccupation and was quickly advancing on Sheppard. He whipped around and moved between the Wraith and Sheppard just in time to receive the stunner blast intended for the Colonel. His body jerked with spasms as he dropped at Sheppard's feet.

Sheppard saw the airman land in the leaf litter beside him as the Wraith closed in on them, the sound of stunner blasts and gun bursts going off all around him. He fired his handgun into the Wraith over and over as it advanced. Each time it momentarily jerked and then took another step forward, smiling as it came closer and closer to dinner.

Sheppard's gun finally clicked empty as the Wraith loomed over him, teeth glimmering as the creature proclaimed, "I will feed upon you." As he pulled his hand back and prepared to slam it into Sheppard's chest, the pilot was glad for his fuzzy vision. He didn't really need a clear view of what was to come. But he locked his eyes onto what he could tell was the face of the Wraith, determined not to look like he was afraid, even if he was.

"Go for it . . . hope spider venom transfers."

He watched in amazement as the blurry figure before him did a grotesque little dance before lurching forward and falling across him, knocking him over onto his side. He could feel the weight of the unmoving form pressing him into the ground at an awkward angle and making it almost impossible to breathe. He quickly realized he didn't have the strength or the muscle control to move the creature and he was rapidly losing consciousness. He thought it ironic that he had been saved from the Wraith at the last minute, only to be killed by him after his death. He would have laughed except, oh yeah, you kind of needed to be able to breathe for that.

Ronon joined Lorne and his men as they watched the forest around them for more Wraith. Teyla and McKay approached, also scanning the area for signs of danger.

"Is that all of them?" asked McKay, his voice higher than normal.

"I think so," replied Lorne. "I've got a couple of men out checking."

Teyla sighed. "We are thankful you arrived when you did. We could not have held them off much longer."

Lorne nodded and then turned at the sound of someone approaching. Nick Strauhan and the rest of the medical team advanced with their supplies.

"Where's Sheppard and do you know if anyone else is injured?"

Teyla turned to point to Sheppard and it was then they noticed the Wraith lying on top of the Colonel. Nick, Lorne, and Teyla immediately rushed over, pulling the dead body off Sheppard and turning the Colonel around to lay him out flat. The first thing Nick noticed was slightly blue tint to Sheppard's lips. After making sure the Colonel was breathing, he quickly got an oxygen mask on and began checking his pulse and blood pressure.

Teyla and one of the nurses began checking Kramer for signs of injury. "I believe he was hit by a stunner blast," explained Teyla.

The nurse nodded. "I think you're right. That's good, then. He should be okay in a minute."

Teyla looked up to see a young soldier walk up and look down at Kramer, frowning as he chewed on his lower lip. "Is he gonna be okay?"

Teyla smiled. "Yes, he will be fine, Airman Simpson. He was hit by a stunner blast, but he should wake up in a few minutes. Perhaps you would like to stay with him so that we may tend to Colonel Sheppard?"

Simpson's face relaxed and the tension rolled out of his shoulders. "Yes, ma'am, I would. Thank you."

The nurse smiled at Teyla and then looked back at Simpson. "When he wakes up, just have him lay still for a bit. He'll feel like his whole body is numb at first and it takes a little while to wear off. Call one of us if you need us."

Simpson plopped down on the ground beside Kramer. "Yes, ma'am."

As Teyla got up, she reached over and placed a hand on Kramer's shoulder. "He did very well, tonight. He was hit by the stunner while trying to protect Colonel Sheppard."

Simpson grinned. "Really? In spite of his moments of glaring stupidity, he really is a good soldier."

Teyla just nodded as she left to find out how Sheppard was. Sliding over a few feet to stand beside McKay, she peered over the shoulders of the medical personnel. "How is he?"

McKay sighed. "Nick hasn't said much yet. I think he's still trying to figure that out."

She noticed that Sheppard's vest had been removed and they had started an IV. Nick had cut across the shoulder of Sheppard's t-shirt and seemed to be examining the bite on his shoulder. He didn't look particularly happy.

A circular patch, about four inches in diameter, was bright red, with two small punctures in the middle. The puncture marks were a darker red, almost tinged in brown, and were weeping blood and fluids. Nick cleaned the site as thoroughly as he could and placed a dressing over it. He adjusted Sheppard's oxygen mask and listened with the stethoscope again. Sitting back up, he placed his hand lightly across Sheppard's lower chest, feeling the spasmodic contractions that were resulting in his irregular breathing.

Standing, he looked at Lorne and the rest of Sheppard's team. "We need to get him back to Atlantis. It's definitely a neurotoxin and causing severe muscle spasms, making it hard for him to breathe. Symptoms seem to be getting progressively worse and I'm assuming his breathing problems will continue to follow suit. I'd much rather have him in the infirmary if he stops breathing than out here."

McKay's mouth dropped open a bit. "Do you think it'll come to that?"

Nick sighed. "No way of knowing until it happens of course, but if I was a betting man, I'd say it's almost a sure thing."

Lorne nodded. "Get him ready for transport. My men should be back in a few minutes." He nodded over to Kramer. "What about him? Is he okay?"

"He was hit by a stunner blast," said Teyla.

"I'll give him a once-over, but he should be awake in a few minutes. Just don't expect a lot out of him for a little while," said Nick.

"As long as he can walk," said Lorne.

Nick nodded. "He'll be able to do that."

Lorne nodded and went to check on his men. Nick bent back down beside Sheppard and began giving the nurse some instructions.

oOo

The first thing to occur to Sheppard as he drifted toward consciousness was that he was alive. It took a few moments to remember why, but he was pretty sure he was supposed to be dead. As the pain began to infiltrate his awareness, it awoke the memories of what had happened. Or had it been a nightmare? No, too much pain that was all too real. This one was a memory, a very recent memory. Big, hairy spider with nice, big fangs, followed by big, hairy Wraith. Now it was starting to sound more like a nightmare.

He felt the muscles across his chest and stomach spasm as he tried to draw in a breath, sending him into a coughing fit. He could feel hands supporting him, lifting him up and helping him breathe through the shooting pain until the coughing spell finally passed. He was lowered back down and he worked to get his eyes open. He needed to know what was happening.

He was aware of the oxygen mask and welcomed it. It felt like his diaphragm was on strike and only working periodically, making it hard to draw in a breath; but at least when he did, he was getting more than his fair share of oxygen. It sure beat the heck out of suffocating like he had been with the dead Wraith sprawled across him.

"Colonel? John? Can you hear me? It's Nick. Open your eyes if you can."

Slowly, he managed to pry his eyes open to see Nick's face looking down at him, worry in his expression.

"Good," said Nick. "How's the pain?"

Sheppard licked his lips, suddenly realizing how dry his mouth was. "It's here."

Nick smiled. "Now that doesn't really tell me anything, does it?"

Sheppard tried to smile under the mask. "Guess not. Pretty bad."

Nick nodded. "I thought as much. So far, it looks similar to the bite of a black widow on steroids with just a small touch of rattlesnake thrown in. Very small touch, fortunately."

"Yeah . . . fortunately," Sheppard parroted sarcastically from under the mask.

Nick leaned out of his field of vision for a few moments and then he saw him inject something into his IV port. He disappeared a few more seconds and then was back. "I gave you a little something for the pain, but I don't want to give you anything too strong until I get you back to Atlantis. That should take the edge off, though. We're about to move out and I'm afraid it won't be much fun for you."

Sheppard gave a small, almost imperceptible nod. Suddenly he grabbed Nick's arm, his eyes wide. "Kramer?"

Nick smiled. "He can tell you himself." Nick moved out of his view and Kramer leaned over him.

"Hey, Colonel. I'm okay, just took my first stunner blast. I'm glad you're okay. I was afraid we were both goners."

Sheppard smiled and reached up with his right hand, moving the oxygen mask off his face. "Welcome to . . . pins and needles club."

Nick reached down and pushed the mask back in place. "I have that there for a reason."

Sheppard looked back at Kramer. "Thanks," he said, his voice low and muffled so that Kramer barely heard him.

"It's an honor, sir."

Kramer moved out of the way to be replaced by Lorne. "We're ready to head for the gate, Colonel. Are you all settled?"

"Yeah . . . Thanks for saving our butts. What . . . about Wraith?"

Lorne's expression hardened. "We think between three and five of them got away. Hopefully they'll leave us alone since we outnumber them now. We'll be watching for them just in case, though. Don't worry sir, we've got it covered."

Once again Sheppard gave a small nod, and then his eyelids drooped until they were closed. Lorne looked up at Nick.

"Is he going to be okay?"

Nick looked down at Sheppard and then back at Lorne. "I hope so, but I don't really know. It's too early to tell. It's going to be close, either way."

Lorned nodded. "Let's move out. We've got a CO to get back to Atlantis."

They walked in relative silence for the next twenty minutes, trying to move as quickly as possible to the gate without sacrificing safely. Lorne suddenly stopped to answer his radio.

"Major Lorne, we have gate activation."

Lorne cursed beneath his breath. "Get away from the gate, but try to maintain a visual."

They all stood and waited to hear the report, fearing they already knew the answer. Several seconds later, a strained voice came across the radio.

"Sir, it's more Wraith."

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

Hugs and kisses to you all!

Memories and Nightmares – Chapter 7

They continued to stand in the middle of the poor excuse for a path, slowly digesting the implications of the terrifying announcement. Lorne took a deep breath. "How many?"

There was a brief pause before Jenkins came back on the radio. "The gate just shut down. We counted twenty Wraith, Major. It looks like they're headed your way."

Lorne sighed. Of course they were headed his way. "Wait until they're out of sight and then dial Atlantis. Tell Dr. Weir the rescue team needs a rescue team, or at the very least, some back-up."

"Will do, sir. They're almost to the . . . Shoot! I think they've seen us, sir. Gotta go."

"Jenkins!"

Lorne was met with radio silence. He turned to looked at the others to find he was met with raised eyebrows and open mouths. The men carrying Sheppard had laid the stretcher on the ground and Nick, kneeling beside the injured soldier, was staring hopefully at him.

"They must be running from the Wraith. They'll reestablish communications when they can. We need to keep moving, but I think we'd better veer off the beaten path. Daniels, you and Hutchison scout a new path. We want to go out a ways and then run parallel. We'll give you a few minutes and then follow. Keep watching out for the Wraith." As the two soldiers nodded and headed out into the dark forest, Lorne turned to the rest of the group. "Take a break for a few minutes, but keep your eyes peeled. We'll be moving out soon."

Simpson and Kramer sat down near the stretcher with Sheppard. Kramer watched as Nick checked his vitals and then adjusted the IV and oxygen mask.

"You okay?" asked Simpson.

"Yeah, pins and needles are almost gone. Just a little tingly in my hands and feet."

"Were you scared?"

Kramer shrugged his shoulders. "There really wasn't time. It seemed like everything happened so fast, I was just operating on automatic pilot, just trying to stay alive. I've got to tell you, though, it was exciting!"

Simpson punched him lightly in the shoulder. "I hear you were being all heroic, saving your CO and all."

Kramer looked back over to Sheppard. "I'm not the hero here. He is."

Simpson looked confused. "How do you figure that? He's unconscious."

Kramer shook his head. "You weren't there, Mark. I've never served under anyone like him. He stayed on his feet long after he should have keeled over and when he finally did collapse . . . he told us to leave him and he'd try to buy us some time. His only concern was getting his team to safety."

Simpson narrowed his eyes, the disbelief evident in his frown. "He told you to leave him?"

Kramer chuckled, but it was humorless. "Actually, he _ordered_ us to leave him behind. But the others wouldn't do it. I've heard about teams that work together and live through hell together, developing a bond that isn't like anything else. Willing to lay their life on the line for each other and doing it regularly. There's a trust there that can't be gained any other way. _This_ is one of those teams."

Simpson looked at the ground, rubbing his hand along the smooth edge of his P90. "So, you think we'll ever be part of a team like that?"

Kramer grinned at him. "You better believe it, because we're going to make it happen."

Simpson smiled back at him. "You mean after we get out of this mess, right?"

"We're getting out. And we'll make a team. You've got to trust me on this. One day we'll be part of team that is this close."

Simpson just sighed. "And you'll probably actually do it."

"Okay, people, let's get moving and keep it quiet. Garcia, bring up our rear and try to cover where we left the path." Lorne made a hand motion similar to one Kramer had seen used by wagon train leaders in old western movies. He half expected to hear a voice call, "Wagons, ho!". He stifled a laugh, realizing how inappropriate that would be.

oOo

Elizabeth walked out of her office and stood at the railing, looking down at the silent stargate below. "Anything yet?"

The tech at the contol panel just shook his head. "No Ma'am and they're almost an hour overdue."

Elizabeth nodded. "Dial the gate and patch me through."

Within a few minutes, the tech looked back up at her as she watched the shimmering puddle below. "Okay, Dr. Weir. You're should be able to contact them." _If there's anyone left to contact,_ he thought.

"Major Lorne, this is Dr. Weir. What is your status?"

"This is Lorne, have you heard from Jenkins or Clayson?"

"No, Major. No one checked in at the scheduled time almost an hour ago. That's why we're contacting you. Is there a problem?" Her momentary relief at hearing his voice was now clouding over with worry.

"Nothing _bu_t problems. Jenkins contacted me almost an hour ago to tell me the gate had activated and Wraith soldiers were coming through. We lost contact with them shortly after that. We also think we have a few Wraith behind us. We're about to get hemmed in between the two groups and we could sure use some help. Yesterday would be nice."

"Try to find a safe place to hole up, Major. Help's on the way."

"Yes, Ma'am."

Lorne looked around, eyes searching the terrain for the "safe place" Weir had spoken of, but none was to be found. Simpson hesitantly approached him.

"Simpson, if you've got something to say, say it now."

"Major, I may have seen a place about five minues back. It's not great, but we passed a large face of rock with a lot of scattered boulders and brush we could hide behind. If we put our backs against the rock face, they can't sneak up on us that way."

Lorne thought for a moment. "I remember the area you're talking about. The main problem is there's no where to retreat if they overrun us."

Simpson looked down, his expression falling. "Oh . . . yeah. Guess I didn't think about that."

Lorne looked around their current position. "However, it's still better than here. All right people, we're back-tracking about five minutes. Everyone get turned around."

oOo

Lorne went from person to person, checking everyone's position, making sure everyone was prepared. He had three men posted farther out on the perimeter to warn them when the Wraith approached. Silently he hoped they wouldn't find them, that they had gotten far enough off the path to send the monsters on a wild goose chase. He knew they wouldn't fool them for long, but he hoped it was long enough for the cavalry to arrive.

He stopped by Nick as he tended to Sheppard. "How's he doing, Doc?"

Nick 's expression gave him more of an answer than he really wanted, but the doctor tried to sound positive "He's holding on."

"I'm trying to get us back, Doc, I promise I am. Believe me, I don't want his job."

Nick nodded sadly. "I know you're doing what you can, Major. I'm just not sure how much longer he can hold out."

Lorne nodded. "Do what you can." Turning, he saw Kramer standing and talking several yards away. "Kramer! Simpson!"

The two men jogged over to their position. "Yes, sir?"

He regarded the young airman, realizing that the man had done a lot of growing up in the last twenty-four hours. "I want you to continue to stick with the Colonel. You've been doing a good job so far. Simpson, you stay too. If the Wraith find us, I want Colonel and Sheppard and Dr. Strauhan kept safe, is that clear?"

The two men nodded. "You can count on us," replied Simpson.

Lorne nodded and moved down to inspect the next defense position.

Once everyone was settled, it got quiet. Everyone sat, still and quiet, afraid to move and almost afraid to breathe. It seemed like they loitered in the darkness forever, waiting to hear that the team from Atlantis was here to take them home As time passed, they began to hope that, for once, the Wraith were as stupid as they looked, that they would fall for their ruse. And then came the faint crackle of the radio.

Click. Click. That was the warning. The Wraith were here. Lorne's head shot up at the sound of the radio clicks. He tightened his grip on the P90, as did everyone in the camp. As he squinted, straining to see through the darkness, he thought he could hear the sound of approaching footsteps, crashing through the underbrush. The Wraith made no attempt to be quiet, but plowed through like the proverbial bull in a china shop. He sighted the first Wraith he saw, but didn't fire until he was several steps closer and Lorne was certain he could get a clear shot. And then all hell broke loose.

As gunfire and stunner blasts exploded all around him, Nick tried to shift gears from healer to killer, from doctor to soldier. It took a few seconds, but when a stunner blast almost nailed Sheppard, he was startled into action and began firing his P90 into an approaching Wraith. When he was sure the creature was dead, he turned and began firing at another. He was beginning to understand why Carson preferred the infirmary. He continued firing at the same Wraith for what seemed like several minutes. The stupid thing just would not die.

Finally, the Wraith dropped to the ground, a mere three feet in front of Strauhan. He turned to his side to look over his shoulder and check on his patient, but a Wraith was standing there. He instinctively brought his gun up to shoot, but the Wraith jerked it out of his hand and threw it against the rock wall they were camped out in front of. Nick saw a flash of movement and then he was off his feet and spinning in mid air. He stopped when he slammed face first into a tree trunk and dropped like a rock, unconscious before he got anywhere near the ground.

Kramer had looked over just in time to see the Wraith hit Nick and send him flying. He ran toward the creature, yelling and firing his gun into its back as it reached over Nick as if to feed. Although its body jerked with each entering bullet, it wouldn't seem to die or give up it's quest for food. Kramer finally rammed into the Wraith, knocking it to the ground as he tumbled on top of it. He looked into the Wraith's eyes, evil eyes that thought they had won, evil eyes that taunted him with all the lives they had ended. And he shoved his knife right through one of those evil eyes. Even though the Wraith stopped struggling, he got up and bashed it's head in with a large rock after retrieving his knife, wiping the blood on the Wraith's clothing.

He whirled around at the continuing battle. Teyla and another soldier were apparently out of ammo, because they were fighting the Wraith by hand, never a good idea as far as he could tell. They were both starting to look pretty battered. Mark was firing on a Wraith that had Lorne by the throat, pinning him to a tree. He looked around in time to see another Wraith just a few feet from Sheppard and the doctor. He tried to fire, only to find himself out of ammunition as well. He used the gun to club the enemy in the head, snapping his head back from the force of the blow. The Wraith straightened and smiled. This would not be good. The Wraith suddenly hit him in the chest, slamming him several feet to land flat on his back, the wind knocked out of him.

Kramer's mind seemed to fog over for a minute and the distinct sounds became a dull roar in his ears. He looked through graying vision and watched, almost in slow motion, a Wraith slam his hand into a soldier and drain the life away as the man screamed in agony. He could see Wraith everywhere, battering his people, people he had thought were destined to become his friends. He saw Teyla thrown to the ground and the Wraith poised over her ready to feed. They were losing. The team from Atlantis hadn't made it and they were all going to die.

He felt his vest ripped open and looked up into the face of his death. He let the darkness and the fog take him, grateful he wouldn't be there.

TBC

This chapter is a little short, but that seemed like such a good place to stop. And since I had about an hour of sleep last night, I can't keep my eyes open any longer. More tomorrow.


	8. Chapter 8

You guys are so flattering with your reviews – and flattery will get you everywhere!

Memories or Nightmares – Chapter 8

"Airman Kramer? Airman Kramer?"

The soft voice almost seemed to float through his thoughts, gently encouraging a response. An angel. The voice was pleasant and soothing and had to be one of an angel. How had he made it to heaven? Wait a minute. An angel wouldn't call him Airman Kramer, but he knew he had to be dead.

He opened his eyes to find Teyla's face looking down on him from just a few inches away, an icepack pressed to the side of her battered head. He blinked for a few seconds and tried to lift his head to look around. "I'm not dead?" he asked, the disbelief evident in his voice.

Teyla smiled. "No, you are not dead. We are very much alive and very luck to be so."

He rested his throbbing head back on the ground, taking note of the fact she was sitting on the rocky soil beside him. The gray light of dawn was filtering down through the trees, allowing him to view his surroundings. Her face and arms were a myriad of bruises and scrapes, her left eye swollen almost shut as she pressed the cold pack next to her cheek. He could see Lorne standing several yards away, his left arm in a sling and a bandage around one side of his neck. He was directing a large number of soldiers about the activities taking place around him. "What happened?"

"The team from Atlantis arrived and managed to eliminate all of the Wraith. They are trying to treat the wounded and get everyone ready for transport back to Atlantis."

"Hey, soldier, you're awake." Kramer shifted his attention to Dr. Strauhan, who had settled in beside him. The right side of his face was already showing signs of heavy bruising and there didn't appear to be much skin left on it either. His right eyes was beginning to swell and turn black and a field dressing hid something that was probably worse just over his right eye. Speckles of dry blood mottled the side of his face and shirt.

"You okay, Doc?"

"I'm good. Looks like I'll be giving Carson a chance to practice his stitching techniques when we get back. Now, let's have a look at you. What hurts?" Nick had already started to probe the sides and back of Kramer's head.

Kramer winced as Nick found a lump on the back of his head. "Gotta bump here."

"I probably hit my head on the ground when the Wraith threw me. My chest and side are what really hurt."

Nick lifted Kramer's shirt and whistled. It was only then that Kramer realized that someone had removed his vest. Nick began to probe his chest, causing Kramer to tightly close his eyes and hold his breath as pain shot through his chest and side. Nick slowly made his way down to Kramer's lower abdomen, bringing tears to the man's eyes. By the time the exam was completed, Kramer was almost gasping for breath.

Nick pulled his shirt back down. "You've got some really nasty bruises and probably some cracked ribs. We'll need to take some x-rays when we get back to be sure nothing is broken. Fortunately I don't see any sign of internal bleeding."

"Glad to hear that." He looked around, but didn't see the litter with Sheppard. "What about the Colonel?"

Nick's expression sobered. "He's not doing so well. As a matter of fact, I'm about to head back to Atlantis with him and the rest of you will follow in a bit. You're my last patient to check for life-threatening injuries. I'll have one of the nurses wrap your ribs and give you a little something to knock the edge off the pain until you get to the infirmary. Major Lorne has a team to escort me and Sheppard and one other critical patient to the gate and we should probably get going."

"Doc, is he going to be okay?"

Nick hesitated. "I don't know. It could go either way." With that, he stood and walked over to a nurse, giving her instructions before he left.

"He will make it," said Teyla.

Kramer looked doubtful. "But Dr. Strauhan said –"

"Dr. Strauhan is an excellent doctor, but he must base his answers on his medical training. I base my answer on Colonel Sheppard. If you give him a fighting chance, he will prevail. Colonel Sheppard will survive, of that I have no doubt."

Kramer smiled. "Mind if I hold you to that?"

Teyla smiled warmly at him. "You may count on it."

"You're Athosian, right?"

"Yes, I am."

Kramer hesitated and then decided to dive right in. "When we get back, would you mind telling me about the Athosians? I'd like to start learning more about the Pegasus Galaxy and our allies."

Teyla tilted her head forward. "I would be happy to share my people with you. We have a rich and proud history."

"Thanks." Kramer relaxed and prepared to wait for the nurse, not really wanting to move much, thanks to his protesting ribs.

oOo

Every step Nick took reverberated through his skull. He was now certain there were little gremlins with big mallets in his head, pounding away to beat of his footsteps. Unfortunately, his stomach was beginning to churn in protest. This was starting to look more and more like a concussion, which meant he'd be sleeping in the infirmary tonight instead of working there. Maybe he could convince Carson to let him work, and if anything happened, he'd already be in the infirmary. That just might work.

The path ahead suddenly seemed to tilt dangerously to one side and he felt himself stumbling as he lost his balance. The soldier walking next to him caught him by the arm and supported him until he got his legs back under him.

"Doc, you okay?"

Nick nodded once and then moaned as he put his hand to his forehead. "Oh, not a good idea. Yeah, I'm okay. Just got a little dizzy."

"We can sit down for a minute if you'd like."

Nick looked down at Sheppard. "No we can't. We don't have the time. I can make it."

The soldier nodded. "We aren't far now."

A few minutes later, he saw the sergeant who was leading the group turn his radio on, making him realize that he didn't have his any more. He must have lost it when the Wraith hit him. He leaned down over the injured soldier being carried in the litter next to him and checked his pulse. The man's head was covered in bloody bandages and Nick was pretty sure he had a skull fracture.

The sergeant turned to him. "We'll be to the gate in a few minutes. They're dialing it up and informing Atlantis to have a medical team ready."

"Thanks."

Nick hurried his steps to catch up with Sheppard's litter. As he drew up beside it, they broke through the trees into the low morning sunlight scattered across the field. The tall grass waved gently in the breeze, making for what would have been a peaceful scene if they weren't trying desperately to save two lives. Nick breathed a sigh of relief when he saw the gate up ahead, the blue puddle already shimmering. Two soldiers stood by the DHD, watching them walk quickly toward the stargate.

Nick leaned over to check Sheppard's pulse one more time. It was faint, but it was there. He let his hand rest gently on Sheppard's chest. After a few seconds, he suddenly shouted at the sergeant. "Tell Atlantis Sheppard's stopped breathing and they need to be ready to intubate. Come on guys, hurry." The sergeant fell out of step with the others and got on his radio while the men carrying Sheppard's litter began to move faster, the adrenaline rush pushing them past their exhaustion. Several seconds later, they rushed through the gate and into Atlantis and a waiting medical team.

oOo

Kramer winced as the nurse finished securing the wrappings around his ribs. He was trying to figure out if he could still breathe when he felt a sting in his shoulder.

"This should help with the pain until you get back to Atlantis. Don't be trying to lift anything or do anything strenuous until Dr. Beckett's had a chance to x-ray those ribs."

"Lift anything?" he said incredulously. "I can't even breathe, much less lift anything."

The nurse smiled at him. 'Well then, I guess we can trust you to follow instructions, unlike a certain Colonel we all know." She picked up her bag and moved on to the next patient.

Kramer looked at Teyla, seated next to him on the fallen log. "If cracked ribs hurt this much, I don't even want to know what broken ribs feel like."

"They are very painful. Colonel Sheppard could tell you more. I believe he holds the record for the most broken ribs since coming to Atlantis, at least that's what I have heard."

Kramer grinned. "Somehow that doesn't surprise me."

Ronon and McKay walked up to join them. Ronon had a bandage covering his right forearm and McKay was limping heavily.

"I saw Nick take Sheppard a while ago. When do the rest of us get to go home? My ankle is killing me. I think it's broken."

Ronon sighed. "I heard the nurse when she wrapped your ankle, McKay. She said it was only a sprain."

"Well, what does _she_ know. She's only a nurse, after all."

"More than you," deadpanned Ronon. Teyla and Ronon exchanged a grimace.

Kramer just grinned, enjoying the brief return to normalcy. "Okay, guys, I need to find Mark and see how much trouble he's in." He started to get up, but Teyla put a restraining hand on his shoulder.

"Airman . . . Jack . . . you should know that . . . there were some deaths."

Kramer felt his insides drop like a rock as he looked at Teyla's sad expression. "Mark?" he whispered.

Teyla nodded sadly.

Kramer's gaze dropped to the ground and he bit his lip so hard he drew blood, fighting the emotion he felt surging up inside. He closed his eyes tightly and just kept thinking, _not Mark, please not Mark._ He could see Mark's face in his mind, that goofy grin he gave every time Kramer had come up with some lame plan. He clenched his fists tightly, hitting himself in the thigh, willing it to be a nightmare and knowing that it wasn't. Feeling a hand on his shoulder, he looked up to see Teyla, a single tear streaming down her face.

"I am so sorry you have lost your friend. I have lost many loved ones to the Wraith and I know that it is not easy. But remember, you also have new friends to help you get through this. We _will_ be here for you."

"I lost my world and almost everyone I know to the Wraith. It's not easy, but you will survive. Let your grief and your anger at them fuel your determination to destroy them." He could see the pain in Ronon's eyes and he knew he meant what he said, that he was not just trying to pacify him.

Kramer wiped the tears from his face. "I . . . I want to see him."

Teyla shook her head. "No, you do not. The Wraith fed on him and he does not look as you remember."

Kramer shivered, feeling suddenly chilled from the inside. He remembered the body from the village and seeing another soldier killed by a Wraith. He knew with certainty that his friend had died a horrible, agonizing death and he hadn't been there to help him. He suddenly got up and lurched to a tree several feet away, heaving until he thought his insides would surely join the puddle on the ground.

He clutched the tree trunk for dear life as the world spun wildly around him, sure that at any moment it would fling him off. A wet cloth was pressed to his face and he gladly took it, wiping the sweat and vomit and tears. He stood with his forehead resting against the rough bark, allowing the uneven texture to help ground him. Finally, he opened his eyes. Teyla stood beside him, her brow furrowed and her eyes dark.

"I have to see him. I have to know."

He saw understanding in her face and she nodded. He followed her as she led him across the camp and he was aware that Ronon and Dr. McKay tagged along behind. He saw Lorne in his peripheral vision, watching him go to say good bye to his friend. The major bowed his head silently as Kramer walked by and he was grateful the man didn't say anything. There was nothing _to_ say.

They stepped around a pile of brush to find four bodies laid out side by side, each covered respectfully with a blanket. Teyla walked to the one on the far side and pulled the blanket back. Kramer gasped and was grateful he'd already emptied his stomach, because if he hadn't, he most surely would now.

"How do you know it's him? It doesn't look like him." His pleading voice wavered like that of a small child and he was aware that he was grasping at straws. They wouldn't have told him if they hadn't been sure.

"Dog tags," said Ronon from behind him.

Of course. Poor body condition was one reason they wore dog tags. Sometimes war wasn't pretty. The body looked like that of an old man in really bad health and a lot of pain. His face was contorted in what could only be described as unbelievable agony. His paper-thin flesh seemed to be stretched across feeble bones with very little muscle between. How could he have let his friend down so completely?

"Can I have a few minutes alone?" He was barely aware that the hoarse voice didn't sound at all like his.

"We'll be just over there. Call us if you need us." Teyla rested her hand on his arm for a few seconds before moving off to join the others.

Kramer eased himself to the ground to sit beside Mark., barely noticing the pain it sent shooting through his ribcage. He looked at the ground in front of him because it was easier than continuing to look at what was left of his best friend. "You were always worrying about me, telling me that I was going to get myself killed. Well, buddy, look who got themselves killed first. How can you do this to me? How can you go and leave me in a god-forsaken galaxy a billion miles from home by myself? You know I need a keeper and that's your job. What the heck do I do now?"

He sat in silence a few moments, letting the anger that had built subside and be replaced by sadness and guilt. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry I didn't have your back like we always swore we'd do for each other. I'm sorry I'm such a screw-up. Mostly, though, I'm just sorry you're dead." He felt the tears begin to flow again and this time he didn't try to stop them. He just bowed his head and cried, mourning the loss of the best friend he'd ever had.

oOo

Carson was expecting Sheppard to come in unconscious and not breathing, but he was not prepared for a very battered Nick. He recovered quickly, however, and began to intubate Sheppard as soon as the litter was set on the floor with Nick assisting.

"How long?" Carson asked.

"Maybe two minutes, tops."

"Okay, I've got it. Let's get him to the infirmary." Carson hurried along side the stretcher as they rushed Sheppard and the injured soldier to the infirmary. Elizabeth touched Nick on the arm as he started to follow the group, and he turned to face her.

"Nick, how's John?"

"Not good, but his chances just got better by being in Atlantis. We can give him better care here."

Elizabeth nodded. "What are we looking at in casualties and injuries?"

Nick sighed. "We lost two men at the gate and four more where they caught us. Sheppard and the soldier we just brought in are both critical. Everyone else has mild to moderate injuries – strains and sprains, cuts and bruises, a few broken bones."

Elizabeth nodded toward Nick. "It looks like you got your share."

"Yeah, I did. One of the Wraith introduced me to his friend, Mr. Tree."

Elizabeth winced. "You better get to the infirmary before Carson sends out a search party."

"Yeah, I'd like to check on my two patients before Carson makes me one of his."

Elizabeth nodded as Nick turned and headed down the corridor toward the infirmary. She fervently desired to go to the infirmary and check on Sheppard herself, but she knew she needed to stay here and coordinate the return of the rest of the party. She wished they would hurry because she wouldn't really relax until everyone was home, safe and sound.

TBC

See – no cliffy this time. You guys deserve a break.


	9. Chapter 9

Once again, I'm sorry for the delay. My excuses are a nasty head cold with BIG accompanying headache that makes my thinking (and writing) fuzzy and a twelve hour plus day working the regional science fair (and I do mean _working_). Hope you enjoy and thanks again for all the wonderful feedback!

Memories or Nightmares – Chapter 9

By the time Nick arrived at the infirmary, Beckett had Sheppard hooked up to a ventilator and a heart monitor. Sheppard was covered by a sheet up to his lower chest. Nick found his CO standing beside the bed, talking to one of the nurses. Kelly was just cleaning up around the bed where they had cut the Colonel's clothes off when she looked up and saw him. She gasped and dropped the tattered cloth she'd been holding.

"Nick!"

He held his hand up. "It's not as bad as it looks, I promise."

His defensive motion didn't stop her from rushing over and taking a closer look. "What happened? We'd better get that cleaned up."

Nick smiled down at her. "In a few minutes, I need to talk to Carson first about our patients. This will wait."

Kelly frowned, but accepted his answer. "All right, but you don't be trying to treat yourself. It really is true that doctors make the worst patients." She walked back over to Sheppard's bed and retrieved the clothes she had previously dropped in the floor.

Nick turned to Beckett and found the doctor eyeing him carefully. "I'm fine, really. How's the Colonel?"

Beckett sighed. "We're getting you examined and x-rayed as soon as we get your two patients settled. The Colonel isn't faring too well. He's still not breathing on his own, his blood pressure is extremely low, and pulse is rapid and weak. Obviously, we don't have any anti-venom, so about all we can do is to treat the symptoms and try to keep him alive."

Nick nodded. "Yeah, that's what I was thinking. His symptoms included lots of pain, particularly at the bite site, some nausea and vomiting, blurred vision, muscle cramps and weakness, and obviously some difficulty breathing. I also noticed some slurring of his speech. The bite is on his left shoulder and he experienced a great deal of pain in his left arm, followed by numbness and near paralysis. Come here and I'll show you."

They walked over to Sheppard's left side and Nick removed the bandage he had applied earlier. The reddened area was slightly larger and the middle was discolored and weeping. Nick frowned.

"There's more tissue destruction than earlier. I guess we've got some hemolytic properties to this venom as well as the neurotoxin."

Beckett nodded. "Aye, although it still appears to be more of a neurotoxin than anything else. We'd better get this cleaned and debrided and we'll need to keep an eye on it in case there's any further necrosis."

They straightened and stood beside the bed, looking down at Sheppard, the ventilator tube obscuring much of his face. "What do you think his chances are?" asked Nick.

"He's pretty weak. I wish we could have gotten him back to Atlantis sooner, but I guess it wasn't to be. He's alive and seems to be stable for the moment, and the Colonel's a fighter. I think he's got a good chance."

Nick's expression relaxed, the heavy lines in his face easing a little. "I was hoping you'd say that. I was afraid . . . I guess I was afraid after all that, that we'd end up losing him too. And we've lost enough men."

Beckett put a hand on Nick's shoulder. "I guess it was pretty bad out there."

Nick looked at the floor, trying to calm his jittery nerves. His mind kept flashing back to scenes from the planet, to wraith attacking from every direction, to men dying around him. He closed his eyes and wavered a second.

"Nick? Maybe you'd better sit down, lad."

His eyes snapped open as he shook his head. "No, I'm okay. We'd better start calling in off duty personnel because in about an hour, this room is going to be full of injured. Shouldn't be anything serious, but lots of cuts and scrapes, some will need stitches, several sprains and a few broken bones. We're going to need everyone we can get to clear them out in a decent amount of time." Nick looked around the room. "And where's my other patient. He has a head wound, probably a skull fracture. He's going to –"

Beckett put his hand firmly on Nick's arm. "Calm down, son, he's in x-ray right now. I'll start calling in extra people and you let Kelly clean you up. I can't have you bleeding on our patients, now can I?"

Nick took a couple of deep breaths and felt his heart start to slow a little. "Okay. Sorry, I guess I just . . . I'm a little wound up right now."

Beckett nodded. "I know. You need to let Kelly get you treated and settle down. I want you to go find her right now. I'll call in extra help and work on the Colonel's wound."

Nick nodded. "Thanks, Carson."

Beckett watched as Nick walked across the infirmary. He'd let Kelly get Nick's wounds cleaned and then do an exam himself. He smiled, knowing what she had said earlier was probably true. Doctors often did make the worst patients. He was about to find out if that could be said about Nick.

Nick lay back on the exam table and thought about how much more comfortable he was standing over one than being in the position he was in now. He felt vulnerable and exposed and he didn't like it.

Kelly pulled the stool up to sit beside him and arranged her equipment on a tray next to the bed. She placed one hand on the top of his head and the other under his chin and turned his face away from her so she could see the injuries better. After removing the field dressing, she sat looking at the side of his face a few seconds.

"How did you do this, anyway? The whole side of your face is raw."

He could hear the snap of latex gloves and see some movement in his peripheral vision. Man, this was going to hurt. "A Wraith tried to make a tree hugger out of me. I never realized how truly rough bark can be."

Kelly sighed. "I guess I'll apologize ahead of time, because no matter how I go about this, it's going to sting."

"I know. Just do it." He closed his eyes and a few seconds later was rewarded with cold fire licking his raw flesh as Kelly washed dirt and debris away from the wound site. Nick clenched his teeth and tried to think of something else. It only took a few minutes, but Nick would have sworn it was much longer.

"Well, how's our patient?" Beckett strolled over to the bed and looked down at Nick. "Is he behaving himself?"

"So far."

Kelly moved so that Beckett could get closer for a better look at the injuries. He studied the cut over Nick's eye, probing until Nick swatted his hand away. "You're going to need stitches."

"I figured as much."

"We got the lieutenant settled and I'm just waiting on his x-rays. I can go ahead and stitch you up, shouldn't take long."

"Fine, just quit mining for gold or what ever you're doing up there."

Carson smiled. "I'm not doing anything I haven't seen you do to Colonel Sheppard and others under similar circumstances."

Nick wanted to make a come-back, but hesitated, knowing that Carson was speaking the truth. He was sure glad Sheppard hadn't been able to hear that. Instead of the sharp retort he wanted to make, he settled for a grunt as he lay back and waited on Carson to sew him up.

oOo

Elizabeth watched as the first of the soldiers began to come through the gate, supporting some of the wounded. Teyla, Ronon, and McKay came through, circled protectively around Kramer. They all looked battered and exhausted, almost ready to drop in their tracks. She noted with some sadness that Kramer, who had looked so exuberant and excited yesterday, looked so completely defeated today. Had that only been twenty-four hours ago? It didn't seem possible.

Ronon and Teyla seemed to turn Kramer over to one of the soldiers, who began leading the injured man toward the infirmary. Elizabeth recognized his gait, having seen it many times before – the ginger walk of someone nursing rib injuries. They watched until Kramer was headed down the hall and then turned and approached Elizabeth, meeting her at the bottom of the steps.

"It's good to have you home," she said warmly.

Teyla nodded, although the motion caused her to wince in pain. "We are thankful to be back safely." Elizabeth noted the colorful bruise forming on the side of her face, along with the swollen eye.

"I really thought we weren't going to make it back this time," lamented McKay. "That's about as bad as it's ever been. How's Sheppard?"

"I just talked to Carson a few minutes ago. He's on a ventilator, but he's stable for the moment. He stopped breathing about the time they came through the gate."

The three of them exchanged worried glances. McKay voiced their concerns. "He's okay, though, right?"

Elizabeth nodded. "They got him intubated pretty quickly. Carson said if they can just keep him stable until the venom works its way out of his system, he thinks he'll be okay."

"Thinks? He doesn't know?"

"Rodney, he's dealing with an unknown toxin here, give him a break. He's doing the best that he can under the circumstances."

McKay nodded and kneaded the back of his neck. 'Yeah, I know. I'm just tired and worried and hungry and my ankle hurts."

Elizabeth smiled and patted his arm. "I know. You should all get to the infirmary. You look beat. Oh, I saw Airman Kramer come in, but I didn't see the other new guy, Simpson, I think."

Teyla and McKay looked down as Ronon clenched his jaw and tightened his hands into fists. They turned to the gate as soldiers came through, carrying six black body bags back to Atlantis, one at a time. Soldiers saluted and civilians hung their heads as the dead were carried through the gateroom and down the hall. They looked back at Elizabeth and she just nodded. No wonder Kramer looked like he'd lost his best friend. He had.

oOo

They arrived at the infirmary a few minutes later to find it noisy and full of people. Injured soldiers were everywhere with medical personnel tending to them and scurrying around fetching equipment and supplies. Semi-organized chaos seemed to reign supreme at the moment.

Ronon noted Kramer sitting in a chair against one wall, silently staring at the floor and waiting his turn. One of the marines who had been in Atlantis for several months sat next to him and seemed to be trying to comfort him. The boy had seemed so hopeful and innocent just a few hours ago, a condition he was now destined to leave behind. Ronon realized with disdain that he couldn't remember having ever been that unmarred by the death and violence of this galaxy or by the fear of the Wraith. He mourned Kramer's loss of something he was pretty sure he himself had never had.

Teyla gazed across the infirmary, noticing that Nick seemed to have gotten cleaned up. His haunted expression and lines of exhaustion stood out in stark contrast to his fresh scrubs and new bandage. She watched him for a few minutes as he worked with patients, talking to them, treating them, and comforting them. She turned back to see Beckett approaching them.

Beckett noticed how tired and battered the trio shuffling across the infirmary looked. He knew they had been running from and battling the Wraith the longest and that they needed to be treated quickly so they could get some rest.

McKay nodded over toward where Nick was working. "Uh, should he be working?"

Beckett looked over to Nick and sighed. "Probably not, but he needs the distraction right now and I need the extra pair of hands. I've tried to put him on all the minor injuries. Rodney, you're limping. Should you be walking on that ankle?"

McKay sighed loudly. "No, I'm sure it's broken, but I didn't really have much choice, now did I? You have to be unconscious to get carried back and obviously, I wasn't. Hey, we brought you a present." McKay began carefully taking his vest off, sparking a raised eyebrow from Beckett.

"Now what kind of a souvenir do you bring back from a culled planet crawling with Wraith? I think I may be afraid to see this."

McKay opened one of the pockets and flipped the vest over upside down, dumping a mass of mangled, furry flesh and legs on the end of one of the exam tables.

Beckett took a quick step backwards. "Bloody heck, Rodney, what is that thing? And did you have to dump it on one of my clean beds? Can you not see that we're short on space right now?"

McKay looked sheepishly at the creature. "Oh, sorry. It's the spider thing that bit Sheppard. I thought you'd want it."

Beckett stepped closer and peered down at the supposed arachnid. "Oh, this is the actual animal that bit the Colonel? That is interesting." He picked up a pair of forceps and began to spread the creature out. He lifted up what looked like a leg and pulled it out straight. He continued until he had the whole thing spread flat on the bed. The body had two sections, each about two inches in diameter, and eight legs that were several inches long. It looked huge, flattened out like that. Beckett picked at one end for a second and then whistled.

"Look at those chelicerae, if that's what they are. I'll bet that bite packed quite a punch."

Teyla and Ronon frowned. "What are . . . chelicerae?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. On earth, spiders have mouthparts that are kind of like fangs and we call them chelicerae. This thing does look an awful lot like a spider. Have either of you ever seen creatures like this before?"

Teyla nodded. "We had several such creatures, but they were not so big and came in many patterns and colors. One or two could make people sick when bitten, but nothing so bad as in Colonel Sheppard."

Ronon nodded as well. "I have seen a few creatures such as these on other planets. I did see a large one like this on another planet once, but it was more of a reddish brown color and not so hairy. The people that lived there told me that it was deadly poison."

Beckett nodded. "I'll send it Dr. Kingston for analysis."

McKay looked up from the spider. "Dr. Kingston? Who's he?"

"Actually, _she_ is the entomologist that came over on the Daedalus's last run. I think I heard she had a bit of an interest in venomous bugs."

McKay rolled his eyes. "I'm not a biologist and even I know spiders aren't insects . . . or bugs for that matter."

Beckett sighed. "Rodney, I don't need a biology lesson. Spiders may not be insects, but they're closely related and she probably knows a lot more about them than anyone else on Atlantis."

"Right . . . I knew that."

Beckett called a nurse over, carefully placed the spider in a tray, and gave her instructions about what to do with it. He then turned back to the team. "Okay, let's get you all checked out and treated so you can get some rest."

oOo

Nick returned to the bed where Teyla sat and handed her a small bottle. "This is Tylenol for the pain. You can take two pills every four to six hours as needed. You may not feel too bad right now, but tomorrow you'll probably feel like a truck ran over you."

Teyla raised one eyebrow. "What is a truck?"

Nick sighed. He kept forgetting Teyla wasn't from Earth. "Never mind. You'll feel like a puddle jumper crash landed on you. Is that better?"

Teyla grimaced. "It doesn't sound better, but I understand it."

"You need to take it easy for a couple of days until we clear you back to duty. And no stick fighting just yet. You don't have concussion, but you have some nasty bruises and swelling around that eye. I don't want you taking any chances. Let us know if it starts giving you too much pain, or if you have any dizzy spells or blurry vision, okay?"

"I will."

"Good. Just check in with us tomorrow and we'll take it from there. You can go now." Nick stepped back to give her room to get off the bed. He brought his hand up to his forehead as a wave of dizziness hit and his headache suddenly peaked. Teyla slid off the table and snagged his arm.

"Dr. Strauhan, are you all right?"

Nick steadied himself against Teyla's firm grip and reached out to touch the side of the bed. "Yeah, just a little dizzy. I just . . . " He tried to take a step closer to the bed so he could lean against it, but felt the room tilt wildly to one side as his legs folded underneath him. He could feel himself falling and Teyla's grip on his arm tightening in response. He thought he heard her call his name just before the darkness closed in around him.

TBC


	10. Chapter 10

Sorry about all the trouble everyone had earlier in getting to chapter 9. I discovered the wonders of Tylenol Flu this afternoon and felt better, so I whipped up chapter 10. I have no idea if you'll be able to get to it or not, but here it is.

Memories or Nightmares – Chapter 10

"Nick, wake up." For a moment, he tried to respond to the voice, but then the lethargy of sleep began tugging him under.

"Nick, open your eyes." The voice was more forceful this time, but there was no longer any desire to respond, so he ignored it and curled back into the warm blanket of sleep.

"Nick!" This time the sharp call was accompanied by something tapping the side of his face.

"Stop," he moaned as he slapped sluggishly at the offending limb.

"Nick, open your eyes or you'll be working night shift until you're ninety."

"Trying," he mumbled, almost incoherently. He finally managed to get his hand up to his face and rub the sleep from his eyes. Blinking hard, Beckett's face drifted into focus, peering anxiously down at him. "What?" he breathed out.

A smile crept across Beckett's face. "It's amazing what results you can get with a little threat. Nice of you to join us Dr. Strauhan. How do you feel?"

Nick stifled a yawn. "Like some band is missing their percussion section and it's in my head. I'd kill for about five Tylenol right now."

Beckett leaned back and crossed his arms. "I'll get you some Tylenol, but it won't be five. Are you dizzy or nauseous?"

Nick thought for a second, allowing his head to clear a bit before he tried to answer. "No, not really. Just the headache . . . and the side of my face burns, you know, the part with no skin."

Beckett frowned. "Yes, there is that. I should probably give you something a little stronger than Tylenol." He turned and spoke to the nurse that had been standing a few feet away.

"I am glad to see that you are awake and all right, Dr. Strauhan."

Nick gently turned his head to see Teyla and Ronon sitting on the bed next to his. He hadn't been aware of their presence until she had spoken. That had him a little worried.

"Uh, thanks Teyla. What are you still doing here? How long have I been out?"

Ronon grunted. "Almost two hours. Dr. Beckett said you needed the sleep."

"We wanted to stay and make sure you were all right. Dr. Beckett said you have a concussion, but that the x-rays did not show a fracture."

"X-rays? What x-rays?" He looked back to Beckett.

"I took advantage of the fact that you were still and not arguing and I had a skull series run. No sign of a fracture or intracranial bleeding, but you do have a nasty concussion. You'll be staying right there until I release you tomorrow and we'll be waking you every two hours."

Nick sighed. "So this was my first wake-up call, I get it. How's the Colonel?"

"About the same."

"Oh." He frowned a second, as if he was thinking. "There's another . . . someone else."

Beckett smiled. "You mean the lieutenant. Actually, he woke up for a few minutes earlier. There's some short term memory loss, but he was lucid and making sense. There's no sign of any swelling yet. I'm hopeful he'll make a full recovery, but we're keeping a close eye on him."

Nick breathed out, visibly relieved. He reached up and rubbed his temple, closing his eyes for a moment. When he opened them, he pushed the blanket back and sat up, twisting around to hang his legs off the bed. The motion was so sudden, it caught everyone off guard and it took a moment for Beckett to react. Nick was on his feet by the time Beckett got to him.

"Son, what are doing?"

"I've gotta check on my patients," Nick slurred as a wave of dizziness sent him lurching sideways. Ronon appeared on the other side of the confused doctor, and together he and Beckett pushed Nick back into the bed. Beckett pulled the blanket back up as Nick closed his eyes tightly against the spinning room.

Teyla looked worriedly at Beckett. "Is he all right?"

"Yes, he's just a bit disoriented from the head injury. He'll be fine."

"Dizzy . . . not disoriented." Nick eased his head back and slowly opened his eyes, happy to find the room had decided to sit still for the moment. He swallowed hard against the nausea it had stirred up.

Beckett smiled down at him. "No, you're not disoriented. That's why you're trying to get out of bed and check on patients while you're suffering from a concussion."

The nurse returned with a tray and Nick watched as Beckett swabbed his arm and injected the contents of a syringe.

"That should take the edge off the pain for a while. You are not to get out of this bed. You're a patient for now and you'll bloody well behave like one. You know as well as I do that head injuries can be dangerous and I don't want to up wandering around. We'll take care of your patients."

Nick looked slightly confused as to why he was in trouble, but didn't address it. "Okay. Thanks, Carson." He scooted around in the bed, seeking a more comfortable position, before looking back over at Teyla and Ronon. His eyelids were beginning to droop a little. "How are you guys feeling?"

Teyla smiled. "We are fine. We should go and let you get some sleep." She slid off the bed and placed her hand on his shoulder. "Rest well, Dr. Strauhan and thank you for helping us on the planet."

"Hey, that's what we're here for. Speaking of rest, you two need to follow that advice as well, You both look exhausted."

Ronon grinned. "On my way there right now . . . well, after the mess hall." He touched Teyla on the shoulder and they turned and left.

Beckett watched them all the way to the door, noting how Ronon gently placed his hand on the small of Teyla's back as he guided her into the hall. "I wonder if there's anything sparking there?" he mused. He looked back down at Nick to see if he had noticed, but decided he probably hadn't. He was sound asleep.

oOo

Rodney limped quietly into the darkened infirmary and looked around the room. He could hear a couple of muffled voices coming from the back, but didn't actually see anyone in the front part. He knew where he was going, so he headed purposefully across the infirmary. He could hear the steady, gentle beeping of the heart monitor and the soft whoosh of the ventilator before he was even close to the bed. He stepped around the privacy curtain and was surprised to see the chair by the bed was already occupied. He was even more shocked to see Jack Kramer. He stood there for several seconds, unsure of what to do next, when the man looked up and saw him.

"Dr. McKay?"

Rodney swallowed hard and stepped up to the end of the bed. "Yes, it's me. Kramer . . . why are you here?"

Kramer just looked lost as he stared at him, trying to formulate an answer, He finally looked back at Sheppard. "I'm . . . I'm not sure, actually. I just felt like I needed to be here. I don't know where else to go."

Rodney grabbed a chair near the next bed and dragged it over to sit beside Kramer. "Shouldn't you be resting? I know you cracked some ribs or something, didn't you?"

"Mostly bruised, just a couple are cracked. Dr. Beckett decided not to keep me."

Rodney smiled. "I don't think this was what he had in mind. You should be in your quarters."

Kramer sat staring at Sheppard. "Mark's gone. I wasn't there to help him and he's dead and there's nothing I can do about that. I put Colonel Sheppard here. It's my fault. I need to stay with him, to be sure he's okay. If he needs me for anything, I want to be here. I don't want to let him down again."

"Wait a minute. How is this your fault? Somehow I don't think you're responsible for venomous spiders on distant planets."

Kramer whirled his head around to face Rodney, his eyes red and swollen. "I know you know about the prank with the plastic bug. He would have told you. When I told him about the spider on his shoulder, he didn't believe me. If he had taken me seriously, we might have gotten it off him without him getting bitten."

McKay shook his head. "You have no way of knowing that. You can't blame yourself for something like this and I know Sheppard wouldn't." McKay watched him for a moment before continuing. "If you want to stay because you're worried about him or because you still feel like you're guarding him or just because you miss Mark and need somewhere to be, then stay. But don't stay because you feel guilty."

Kramer nodded. "I was telling Mark, before, that I've never had a CO like him before. He's . . . different."

McKay snorted. "Now that's an understatement."

Kramer looked back up at McKay. "You two are friends, right?"

Rodney shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know if we're exactly friends. We work together, you know, and we seem to save each other's lives periodically, and sometimes we . . . " He caught Kramer staring at him knowingly. "Oh, okay. He's my friend, probably my best friend. There, are you happy?" McKay crossed his arms and sighed loudly.

Kramer smiled for the first time since finding out Mark was dead. "Why do you do that, both of you? You argue and fight and act like you can't stand each other. You just admitted he's your friend and I could tell by the way he acted on the planet that he considers you a friend too."

McKay sat watching the rise and fall of Sheppard's chest and wishing with all his might the man would wake up as he considered Kramer's question. Sheppard was a good friend and he was terrified to think that one day, he wouldn't make it back to Atlantis in one piece. He shuddered as he brought his eyes around to meet Kramer's pain filled ones and realized how close he'd come to being in this man's shoes.

"I think it's a defense mechanism," he said softly. "I never had many friends. I never quite fit in with other people and their groups. Sheppard tells me I have no people skills and I suppose he's right. Everyone I thought was my friend turned out to be just riding my coat tails in the scientific community. Then I came here, to Atlantis. We were alone and stranded the first year. We came to depend on one another and we became closer than I am to my own family."

Rodney leaned forward in his chair, resting his elbows on his knees and rubbing his hands together. "Somewhere along the way, I developed friends. But we've lost a lot of friends over the last year or so. We lost a lot in the Wraith attack. I guess this is just my way of pushing Sheppard away a little, trying to convince myself that we're not really friends and if he dies on the next mission, I won't be devastated. Sheppard's pretty closed-mouth about his past, but I get the impression he's lost a lot of people he cared about over the years. I think maybe he's playing the same game I am."

Kramer considered the information for several seconds. "Does it work?

McKay smiled. "No. But I think we've come to enjoy the game, so we continue to play. It's old hat at this point. And sometimes he really does annoy the heck out of me."

Kramer grinned. "That's okay, I think sometimes you annoy him too."

McKay rolled his eyes. "So who asked you anyway? And if you ever repeat _any_ of this to anyone, especially him, I'll deny it and claim you have brain damage from your injuries."

"It'll be our little secret, Dr. McKay."

"What will be your little secret?" They turned to see Nick standing at the foot of the bed, barefoot and in scrubs, dark hair standing almost straight up. "You guys standing vigil?"

Kramer looked from Strauhan's tall, slender form to Sheppard and back to Strauhan. "Are you related to Colonel Sheppard?"

Nick yawned and rubbed his eyes, wincing as he accidentally rubbed the edge of the abraded area of his face. "No, why?"

"I was just noticing for the first time that you two kind of look alike. I think it's the hair."

Nick frowned. "Excuse me? My hair does not stick straight up, thank you. I _have_ a comb." He reached up and ran his hand through his hair as the two men in front of him laughed. "Okay, so my hair sticks up right now, but that's not on purpose." He narrowed his eyes as he studied Sheppard, but realized he couldn't see much of anything for the ventilator tube. "Do you really think we look alike?"

Kramer smiled. "It's more than just looks, now that I think about it. Some of your mannerisms are similar, too. I don't know, it just kind of made me think of brothers or something."

Nick grunted. "Guess I never thought of it before."

"_What_ are you doing out of bed, mister?" Kelly appeared suddenly beside Nick, taking him by the arm. "You will get yourself back in bed right now or I'm calling Dr. Beckett."

Nick sighed. "Jeez. I had to pee, okay? I just thought I'd look in on the Colonel on my way back to bed."

"Well, you've looked and you've seen, now back to bed with you before you faint again."

"I didn't faint, I passed out."

Kelly rolled her eyes. "I swear, what is it with men and word fainted? You're all a bunch of babies in my book." She tugged on Nick's arm until she had him headed back to bed. Nick just waved at them weakly and followed along.

"By the way, that's _doctor_, not mister. I didn't suffer through all those years of med school for nothing," Nick murmured as he was led back to bed.

They were sitting in a comfortable silence, keeping watch over Sheppard when Kelly returned a few minutes later. "Okay, gentlemen, I happen to know you're both under doctor's orders to get some rest, so I'm throwing you out. Get to your quarters and get some sleep. We'll take good care of Colonel Sheppard, I promise."

McKay frowned. "We're getting rest. We're sitting down."

Kelly put her hands on her hips. "You _know_ what I mean. You need sleep. Don't make me call in reinforcements."

McKay held up his hands defensively. "Okay, now, there's no need to get drastic. We'll leave peacefully." He carefully got up and began limping toward the door. "Come on Kramer, if you know what's good for you."

Kramer looked at Kelly for a second and decided to join McKay in his retreat. "I'm coming."

Kelly followed them to the door, making sure they were actually leaving. She listened with interest to the exchange as they left.

"Man, she's tough," said Kramer.

"Oh, you don't know the half of it. Hey, did you know Nick's dating her?"

"No-o-o, you're kidding. He's brave."

"Yeah, or crazy."

Kelly frowned. "Hey, I heard that!"

oOo

"and don't forget breakfast or you'll really have Beckett on your case - God you do eat don't you?" McKay frowned at him.

"Umm . . . Yeah, well, yeah sure, I eat . . . why?" Kramer stuttered, unsure of where the question was going.

"Oh, thank goodness." McKay rolled his eyes in relief "The last thing I need is another skinny, never-has-time-to-eat fly-boy to keep Carson in a bad mood - I couldn't stand it! Believe you me, when Carson is grumpy, he threatens with pointy objects."

Kramer started to smile at the thought.

"Oh, and he'll be wiping _that_ smile off your face with the first jab, make _no_ mistake. My advice to you for all our sakes? Keep eating! I'll pick you up at six." McKay poked the air in front of him. "And get a shower will you? And some sleep. Sleep is good - don't need you falling asleep on the job."

"Oh, I will - now even." Kramer started to point inside his quarters as if he was just about to go there. "I will . . . " but McKay had turned his back and started to walk away.

Kramer didn't see the smirk on McKay's face as he walked down the corridor. He didn't hear McKay muttering, " . . . another fly-boy to pull into line . . . They don't pay me enough for this."

oOo

The first thing that crossed Nick's mind when he woke up the next morning was his comment to Teyla the day before about feeling like a truck had run over her. He hadn't thought to apply that little piece of advice to himself. When he tried to move, he was shocked at how stiff and sore he was. His right shoulder, chest, and side felt like he'd been drop-kicked by King Kong. Stupid tree. He opened his eyes and let them wander around the infirmary, seeing all the early morning activity that he was normally a part of. It felt strange to lie in bed and watch others do his job. _Note to self: Don't get injured any more. _At least his head felt clearer.

"Hey, hon, how do you feel this morning?"

Kelly walked up to Nick's bedside and picked up his wrist while looking at her watch.

"Kelly, what are you doing?"

"Shh, I'm taking your pulse."

Nick pulled his arm away. "Don't do that, it's just . . . wrong."

Kelly tilted her head to one side. "What's wrong with you? I'm just taking your pulse for your chart. Don't be such a baby."

"My pulse is fine. It just seems weird for my girlfriend to be taking my pulse. I'll take it and tell you what it is."

Kelly rolled her eyes. "Oh my gosh, I do not believe this. Fine, just tell me what it is."

Beckett strolled up to the bed and smiled down at Nick. "Good morning, Nick. How do you feel this morning?"

"I'm fine, just a little stiff and sore. Any change in Colonel Sheppard?"

Becket nodded. "As a matter of fact, his blood pressure is up a little and his pulse seems a bit stronger. He's still not breathing on his own, but it's a step in the right direction."

Nick smiled. "That's something. You about ready to release me?"

Beckett grinned. "Slow down. I want you eat some breakfast and let me check you over first. I need to make sure you're a little more lucid than yesterday afternoon."

Nick looked at him blankly. "Yesterday afternoon? What about it?"

"When Teyla and Ronon were here and you tried to get out of bed. If Ronon hadn't been here to help me, we'd have been picking you up off the floor . . . again."

Nick frowned as he thought. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"That's pretty much what I expected. You were a bit disoriented yesterday. Which is one reason why you will stay put for a few more hours. I'll send out for a breakfast tray and we'll see how you handle that."

"Okay, I was just asking. It just feels weird to be lying here while everyone else works. I feel like I should be doing something."

Beckett nodded and patted him on the shoulder. Nick winced. "Easy, Carson. That's my tree-hugging shoulder."

"Sorry, lad. I understand what you mean, but you really need to relax." Carson turned to Kelly. "Kelly, why don't you go get you and Nick and breakfast tray and you can eat with him. No coffee, though."

"No coffee?" Nick looked horrified. After a few seconds, he sighed. "I know, I know. I just . . . miss my coffee."

Kelly grinned and squeezed Nick's hand. "I'll back in a minute. You rest and stay in bed."

Nick sighed as he let his head fall back against the pillow. "I hate this."

TBC


	11. Chapter 11

**Author's Note**: I would like to apologize to those of you who think I've spent too much time with the new characters (Nick and Kramer). I had intended for them to make a brief appearance to give a new POV of the team and how they work. I got a little too into their characters. You have to understand that Nick is almost a regular to me at this point. Kathy and I think of him as the "medical version of Sheppard", hence the references to him looking like Sheppard. In our minds, he looks a lot like Sheppard.

Anyway, I'll steer things back to the team and try to stow the OCs back into the closet, for the most part. The drop in feedback tells me I've bored most of you into a coma or scared you off entirely. For those of you who actually like Nick, my plot bunnies are feeding me an idea for a story centered on Nick and John getting themselves into trouble (one of these days when I have time)

Memories or Nightmares – Chapter 11

Teyla watched as Ronon finished off the giant pile of sausage and eggs that had covered his plate. She had truly never seen anyone eat so much in one sitting as Ronon did, at least not without gaining a lot of weight. She sighed. Apparently he burned it off because he was certainly not getting fat.

He suddenly stopped chewing and stared at her. "What?"

Teyla shook her head and looked up at him. "What? I'm sorry, did you say something?"

Ronon frowned. "You're staring at me. Why?"

Teyla smiled. "I am sorry, I was just thinking about something. Look, there's Dr. McKay and Airman Kramer." She waved at the two men as they left the line with their trays.

McKay plopped his tray down on the table next to Teyla. Kramer hesitated, looking at the open spot by Ronon and then the empty seats around them, unsure of what to do.

Ronon picked up on his unease. "Kramer, sit down." He motioned to the empty seat beside him.

Kramer just nodded and sat down, his head bowed over his plate as he picked up his fork and began to move the food around on his plate.

McKay watched him for a second before intervening. "Are you going to eat your food or play with it? Remember what I said about eating and keeping Carson happy. I meant it. Now Ronon," he motioned toward Ronon, earning a scowl from the big man, "he eats well. You'll never hear Carson tell him to eat more. You might hear the mess hall staff say they're out of food, but Carson will always be happy."

Kramer found himself smiling in spite of himself as Ronon snarled at McKay. He glanced up from his plate to meet Teyla's gaze and found she was also smiling.

"Just ignore them, Airman. They are always like this."

"It's okay. I think I'm just glad to be here."

McKay looked at Teyla and then at Ronon, grinning broadly. He grabbed his fork and dug into the hash browns.

"Hey guys, how's the breakfast today?"

All four of them looked up at Kelly, standing beside the table. "Hey Kelly," they said, almost in unison.

Kelly smiled. "I have some good news. Colonel Sheppard's blood pressure is up and his pulse is getting stronger. Dr. Beckett seems to think he's turned a corner and the Colonel's condition will continue to improve."

"That is good news," said Teyla, obviously reflecting what everyone was thinking. "Thank you for stopping to tell us."

"No problem. I'm getting some breakfast for me and Nick and I saw you guys over here. I knew you'd want to know."

McKay nodded vigorously. "Definitely. We'll stop by the infirmary later to check on him ourselves. How's Nick?"

"Better. I think Dr. Beckett will release him after breakfast. Speaking of which, I'd better get on the move before he stages a mutiny. See you guys later."

A chorus of goodbyes followed her across the mess hall. The four ate breakfast in a comfortable silence for several minutes. Kramer was sipping his coffee and looking at his plate, deciding if he was finished when McKay nudged his arm from across the table and pointed to a half a helping of breakfast casserole on the edge of his plate.

"So, are you going to eat that?"

oOo

Nick blinked several times as his eyes recovered from Carson's penlight. "I think I'm beginning to understand why they hate that thing so much."

"Mmm." Carson just nodded as he wrote on Nick's chart.

Nick sat silently on the edge of bed, having given up on getting any information out of his boss. He looked beyond Beckett to the bed with Sheppard, still hooked up to the heart monitor and ventilator. He longed to go check on his patient, but he knew Carson would never let him. That didn't stop the doctor in him from wondering about his patient, or the friend from wondering about a friend.

"Carson!" He slid off the bed and hurried over to stand beside Sheppard. It took Beckett a couple of seconds to react and join him.

"What is it, lad?"

Nick pointed to Sheppard's right hand, which was alternately gripping and loosening its hold on the sheets. They watched the irregular movement for several seconds before noticing him move his legs restlessly under the blankets. Beckett hurried over to check the ventilator and its settings.

"Looks like we can start weaning him off the ventilator," Carson reported, a smile on his face. "I'd better give him a little something to keep him from waking up, though. He's been through enough without waking up to a tube down his throat." Carson moved off to fetch a syringe with the desired drugs, a bit of a spring to his step.

Nick just smiled and patted Sheppard's arm. "Way to go, John. Just keep fighting."

oOo

The first thing Sheppard was aware of – the only thing Sheppard was aware of for quite a while, was the fire burning in his shoulder, with embers spreading across his chest and up into his neck. The flesh felt singed, scorched. The pain was so intense it took his breath away, making him feel as though all his chest and stomach muscles were clenched into a tight muscle spasm. He was vaguely aware of an intrusion in his throat, but it didn't seem important since he couldn't seem to get anything associated with breathing to work. He might have been more concerned except for the all encompassing pain that kept at the forefront of his mind.

He wasn't really aware of his hand clutching the covers until someone peeled away his fingers and replaced the cold, rough sheet with the warm flesh of their hand. He gripped it, seeking an anchor against the searing torture that radiated from his shoulder, seeking a way to escape it. And then he felt soothing relief slide into his veins and the pain began to dull and to ease. He was vaguely aware of his grip loosening on the hand in his and he didn't want to lose the contact. But the hand held firmly to his, even as he felt his own hand go limp as he slid back into the darkness.

oOo

The next time awareness began to creep in, the pain seemed less intense, more like a constant ache instead of the searing pain of earlier. The muscle cramping was gone, replaced by a heavy soreness that penetrated to the bone. He tried to shift and work through the stiffness, only to further irritate his aching body. Moaning softly, he felt something against his face, a hand softly stroking cheek. He focused on the touch, trying to let it guide him toward the fading awareness.

"John, can you hear me?" He wanted to respond, to say he could hear the soft voice, but his throat was rough and dry and the effort sent him into a coughing fit. He struggled to breathe, his sore muscles protesting the punishment and making him gasp for air.

"You're okay, son. Just relax and breathe." More hands on his chest and arm, grounding him and helping him focus as he concentrated on drawing the air into his lungs. He fought to open his eyes as the spasms in his chest and sides seemed to dwindle and fade away. The world around him came into view, a little fuzzy and unfocused.

He recognized Beckett's face, hovering above him. "Welcome back, Colonel. You gave us a bit of scare there for a while."

Sheppard just looked and blinked for a few moments as he gathered his thoughts. "You're blurry," he managed to whisper, and then tried to clear his throat.

The touch to his face again and he shifted his head a bit to one side to see Elizabeth. She smiled and slipped an ice chip up to his lips and he gratefully opened his mouth enough to let it slide in. It felt as if the moisture was immediately absorbed by his dry throat. He tried to smile to show his gratitude since his voice was so rough and uncooperative at the moment.

"Sorry about the throat, Colonel. You stopped breathing and we had to put you on a ventilator for a couple of days." It was then that Sheppard felt the presence of the nasal cannula on his face.

Beckett studied him for a few seconds. "How many fingers do I have up, Colonel?"

Sheppard squinted and tried to lift his head off the pillow a few inches as he studied Beckett's blurry hand, held out about four feet in front of him. "Two?"

"Very good, Colonel, that's right. The blurry vision should clear up in time. It's probably one of the remaining effects of the venom. Just give it a day or two."

Sheppard relaxed back against the pillows, thankful for the news his sight would clear up. He was pretty sure piloting and blurry vision didn't go well together. He closed his eyes a few seconds, feeling the lull of sleep gently pulling him back under.

"Colonel, could you stay with us just a few more minutes?" He forced his eyes back open, looking up at Beckett.

"Doc?"

"Do you remember what happened?"

"Spider . . . Wraith."

Beckett nodded. "Yes, that's right. How much pain are you in?"

Sheppard considered the question. "Sore, achy. Shoulder hurts."

Beckett nodded. "I'm afraid the spider venom included a bit of a hemolytic agent. It destroys the tissue surrounding the bite site. We've had to clean the dead tissue away daily and I'm afraid it's left quite a bad spot. You'll have a bit of scar where the thing bit you."

Sheppard snorted, followed by coughing. Beckett slid his hand behind Sheppard's upper back and lifted him upright some until the choking spell had passed. He then eased him back down to the bed. Elizabeth gave him another ice chip and he lay with his eyes closed, letting it melt and cool his raw throat. "Great. More bug scars."

Exhaustion seemed to wash over him and he once again felt the pull of darkness. He tried to focus on Elizabeth's voice, but found himself yielding instead to the pull of sleep and the sounds around him slowly faded away.

oOo

The next time Sheppard came back to consciousness, he did so more quickly. He opened his eyes and blinked a few times, trying to clear his vision, sighing as he moved in the bed and woke his aching muscles. He tried to push himself farther up on the pillows so he could see better, but only succeeded in sending stabbing pains through his left shoulder. He closed his eyes for a moment against the newly awakened pain and then opened them to find Beckett smiling down at him as he raised the head of the bed a little.

"Thanks," he said softly, his voice still feeling rough and unused. "Can I get a drink?"

"John?" he shifted his gaze to the voice on the other side of the bed. Elizabeth was holding a cup out for him to drink. He hadn't even realized she was there. Leaning up a bit, he took the straw in his mouth and began drinking, suddenly feeling like he wanted to drink a gallon. Elizabeth pulled the straw from his mouth after a few sips, though. "That's good, not too much."

He leaned back against the pillow, amazed at how tired that little action had made him. He was pleased to realize that the heart monitor and nasal cannula were history, even though he was still stuck with the IV and catheter. "How long?"

Beckett thought. "Well, it was yesterday that I spoke to you last, but it's been four days since you got back to Atlantis, which means you were bitten five days ago."

"You definitely took your sweet time waking up. Pausing for dramatic effect, no doubt. You do love the attention." Sheppard shifted his gaze back toward Elizabeth and only then saw McKay standing a little behind her with Ronon and Teyla. He smiled at the sight of his team.

"Hey, you guys okay?"

McKay rolled his eyes. "No. Sprained ankle here. And of course they made me walk on it while you rode back to the gate. Now where have we seen that before? Just because I wasn't unconscious doesn't mean I didn't need a ride."

"It wasn't even sprained, McKay. Just badly twisted." Ronon stepped to the foot of the bed. "Nice pet you found, Sheppard. Not very friendly though."

"He has attitude problems. Thinking of making him a guard spider."

Beckett snorted. "There's not enough left of it for that."

Sheppard smiled. "Good point. What was that thing, anyway?"

"Well," said Beckett as he crossed his arms, "Dr. Kingston said it was very much like a spider on the outside – eight legs, two body sections, and mouthparts that looked very much like chelicerae, but that it was different on the inside. The organs and their arrangement are different than spiders on earth. She seemed genuinely fascinated. The venom seems to be a mixture of primarily a strong neurotoxin, and a hemolytic toxin that causes the tissue around the bite site to break down and decay. It's like a combination of a souped-up black widow and a brown recluse, or possibly a rattlesnake."

"Great," Sheppard mumbled. "I hate the bugs in this galaxy. Did everyone make it back okay? Last thing I remember is Lorne saving the day."

Sheppard knew from the looks on their faces that everyone hadn't made it back. He had this sinking feeling in his gut that made him regret having asked the question. "What happened?"

"More Wraith came through the gate," reported Teyla as she looked sadly to the floor. "We were able to request reinforcements from Atlantis, but the the Wraith got to us before the rescue team."

Sheppard took a deep breath. "How many did we lose?"

"Six," said Ronon.

McKay sighed heavily. "We lost Airman Simpson."

John closed his eyes, seeing the young Airman in his head, the way the sight of the dead villager had made him sick. "What about Kramer?" he asked, his voice tight with controlled emotion.

"He's okay, some bruised ribs and a couple of cracked ones. He's just kind of . . . upset."

John nodded slightly. "Yeah, losing your best friend does that to you. Crap, his first mission. Killed on his first mission."

McKay looked down at Sheppard, the anguish evident in the furrowed brow and tightly drawn mouth. "You know there's nothing you could have done to prevent this, right?"

"Yeah there is. I could have not gotten myself bitten by that stupid spider. If I'd been more careful, we never would have needed the first rescue team. Six people died because I can't seem to stay away from alien bugs. Let's just add that to the two that died the last time I had a bug encounter." He laughed bitterly. "At this rate, I'll kill off enough people to man the Daedalus in no time."

"John." Elizabeth took his hand in hers. "That's not fair. This is war and we are going to lose people. It's no one's fault. And we aren't leaving someone behind just because it's you. You risk your life to go after people and you'll have to accept the fact that people here are willing to risk their lives to go after you."

Sheppard closed his eyes tightly. "I know, I just . . . I don't like the idea that they died coming after me."

"No one wants that to happen. You'll have to accept the fact that they had enough respect for you that they were willing to take that risk. And tell me John, when you joined the military, was it because it was a safe, no risk job?"

"Okay, you've made your point." He turned his face away from Elizabeth, not wanting her to see the guilt that was still eating away at him, almost making him sick. He looked over to find Carson holding his wrist and taking his pulse.

"Doc?"

Carson looked at Sheppard, noting the slight hint of panic in the man's voice and the frown on his face as he tilted his head up off the pillow. "Colonel?"

Sheppard was staring at Carson's hold on his wrist. "You're touching my arm."

"Yes. I've found that's helpful when taking a pulse." Carson's brow furrowed as he looked at Sheppard quizzically. "What is it, lad?"

Sheppard's breathing had increased and the color had drained from his face. "I can't feel my arm. I can't move it either. Doc, I can't feel my arm!"

TBC


	12. Chapter 12

Memories or Nightmares – Chapter 12

Carson continued to hold Sheppard's wrist. "Try to wiggle your fingers."

Sheppard's frown deepened. "I _can't_. I'm trying to tell you I can't move my arm at all. I can't even feel where you're holding my wrist." Sheppard was now sitting up in bed and practically shouting, fear edging his voice.

"Colonel, now calm down. We're going to figure this out." He laid Sheppard's arm back down on the bed and gently pushed him back to a reclining position. "I need everyone out of here, now. Go to the waiting area outside and I'll come out and talk to you in a minute."

McKay was shaking his head before Beckett even finished speaking. "Oh no, we're not going anywhere. We want to know what's going on. I, for one, am staying right here."

"I'm not asking, Rodney, I'm telling. I need to examine Colonel Sheppard and I don't want an audience. Now out with you."

McKay started to protest again, but Teyla took one arm and Ronon took the other and they began guiding him away from Sheppard's bed. "We should leave, Dr. McKay. Colonel Sheppard will want some privacy and we should respect that. Dr. Beckett will let us know what is happening."

McKay didn't look happy, but let himself be guided away as Teyla's soft reassurance calmed his nerves.

When they were alone, Beckett turned back to Sheppard. "Okay, Colonel, first of all I need you to relax. We'll get this sorted out. I want you to turn your head away from me. I'll be touching your arm in various places and I want you to let me know when you feel anything."

Sheppard took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. "Okay, Doc." He turned his head away from Beckett and closed his eyes so he could focus better.

Beckett began at Sheppard's wrist, moving slowly up his arm as he firmly pressed against Sheppard's flesh and waited to see if he would get a response. Several tries later, he finally got one.

"Okay, I think I can feel that."

"Where do you feel the pressure?"

"About halfway between my shoulder and elbow."

Beckett looked down to see that was exactly where his hand was. He moved an inch toward Sheppard's elbow. "What about now?"

"No, nothing." The disappointment in Sheppard's voice was hung in the air.

Beckett moved up closer to Sheppard's shoulder. "How about now?"

"Yes, I definitely feel that."

Beckett backed away from Sheppard and wrote on his chart. "Okay, Colonel, I'm finished. Tell me about how the venom affected your arm from the time of the bite until you lost consciousness."

Sheppard closed his eyes, trying to remember the details of what had happened. It almost seemed like a blur at this point. After a few seconds, he began to remember the events as well as the pain a little too thoroughly.

"A few seconds after the thing bit me, it felt like fire was flowing through the veins in my arm. I'm not sure I've ever felt anything like that. It eventually started spreading across my shoulder and into my chest and neck. A little while later, the outside of my arm got numb, but the inside still hurt. It was really weird. I think it was a couple of hours later when I noticed I my arm was numb. We were running from the Wraith and my arm was just flopping uselessly at my side, so I tucked it into my vest."

Beckett nodded. " It sounds like the venom was picked up by capillaries and dumped into the artery leading into your arm, making that the area that got the biggest and most immediate dose of poison. It may be that it's just taking a while for the venom to clear out of the tissues."

Sheppard's features relaxed a little. "So, you think this will clear up?"

"Aye, I do. How's your vision?"

"Better. It's still a little fuzzy around the edges, but it's almost back to normal. So you think since the vision is clearing up, then my arm will go back to normal too."

"I think there's a good chance. I'm going to run some tests and look for possible nerve damage. I'm afraid that's still a possibility. This venom is new to us, even though it presents itself in a way similar to that of some earth creatures. We just have to take it a step at a time."

Sheppard just nodded.

"Colonel, as the feeling starts to return, you're probably going to need some physical therapy to get your arm back up to speed and . . . "

Sheppard watched Beckett's face for a moment. "There's a chance I may never get full use back. Is that what you're trying to say?"

Beckett sighed heavily. "We don't know. There's no way to know what will happen until we let this play out. I'm sorry. I wish I could tell you with certainty that everything will be all right. But I just don't know."

Sheppard looked down at his feet, carefully controlling his emotions and response. "It's okay. I'd rather you were honest with me. I need to know where I stand with this thing."

"Don't give up on me, Colonel. In my opinion, you have a good chance of making a full recovery. I just can't guarantee it."

Sheppard nodded, but continued to look at his feet. Beckett recognized that Sheppard needed some time to deal with the possibilities.

"I'll go talk to your team and Elizabeth, let them know what's going on."

"Doc?" Sheppard looked up at Beckett, finally making eye contact. "I don't want any visitors for a while. I just . . . I need a little time to myself."

"All right, I'll send them on their way after I talk to them. Get some rest, Colonel."

Sheppard went back to looking at his feet as Beckett turned to leave. Within a few minutes, the panic had receded enough to allow exhaustion to take its place. Sheppard fought the pull of sleep as his eyelids drooped further and further, not ready to drift back into oblivion just yet. But by the time Beckett returned to check on him, he was already sleeping, curled up on his side with his left arm cradled against his chest.

oOo

Sheppard was aware someone was near by, even before he opened his eyes. He assumed it would probably be McKay, so he was surprised when he opened his eyes to find Kramer sitting in the chair beside his bed. He blinked a few times to be sure his vision was clear.

"Hey, sir. Would you like me to get Dr. Beckett?"

"Uh, no, that's okay." Sheppard's right arm was asleep from the way he'd been sleeping on it. He worked to shift himself around to lay on his back, while carefully maneuvering his left arm to keep it out of the way. Kramer stood and moved to his side.

"Can I help, sir?"

Kramer looked like he'd aged 10 years in the last few days. Heavy lines were around his eyes and mouth, his expression dull and lifeless. Sheppard felt a heaviness in his gut that had nothing to do with injuries or venom.

"Could you move the head of the bed up a bit?"

Kramer nodded and did as asked, moving Sheppard to more of a sitting position. "How's that?"

"That's good. Thanks." He watched as he young soldier eased himself back into the chair.

"How are the ribs?"

"They're healing. How do you feel, sir?"

Sheppard quickly swallowed the feelings of self pity that tried to surface. Kramer was hurting and he didn't need to listen to his CO whine about his own problems. Besides, if he didn't regain the use of his arm, there would be plenty of time to have a pity party later.

"I'm good, just a little tired and sore. I'll be up and around in no time." He had a brief, strange thought about being glad he wasn't Pinnochio. "How are you really holding up? I know we lost Simpson and that he was your friend."

There, it was out in the open. No use wasting time pussy-footing around. He needed to know how Kramer was handling it. He was still a little taken-aback at the stricken look on the airman's face.

"I . . . I don't know. Sometimes it doesn't seem real. I still look for him when I go to the mess hall. I just keep thinking I'll turn a corner and he'll be there. But then it hits me that he's not coming back and it's like someone kicked me in the gut. I've known him since boot camp and we've ended up stationed together for quite a while now. We watched each other's back, ya know? I just . . . I just miss him so much."

Sheppard watched as a tear ran down Kramer's face and he quickly swiped it away, afraid someone would see him cry. Sheppard closed his eyes, thinking of the day Mitch and Dex had been killed. "Yeah, I know. It never goes away, but it gets easier to deal with." He opened his eyes to see Kramer looking at him.

"Sir?"

Sheppard sighed. "I lost my two best friends in Afghanistan. Their helicopter was blown up just outside Kabul. I can remember that day like it was yesterday and I probably always will. That was years ago and I still miss them. But over time it gets easier to deal with, easier to remember the good times without always going immediately to thoughts of their death." He turned his head to make eye contact with Kramer. "I know you think you won't get through this, that nothing will ever seem right again. But you will. You'll get through this and you'll make other friends and you'll go on with your life. Because that's what we do here, we mourn and then we go on with our life. We have to."

Kramer stared at him for a second. "I don't know if I can."

Sheppard smiled at him, thinking he knew the kid better than he knew himself. "Yes you can. You're strong, stronger than you realize. And you've already got friends here. We'll see you through this."

Kramer's eyes lit up for a moment. "Dr. McKay . . . he's been kind of . . . taking me under his wing. I think he's trying to watch out for me, make me feel accepted. He picked me up for breakfast the last few days and let me eat with the team."

Sheppard's eyes widened as he looked at Kramer. "McKay did that? Rodney McKay? The bossy, hypochondriac scientist Rodney McKay?"

Kramer finally smiled. "One in the same."

Sheppard leaned his head back against the pillow. "Well, I'll be. You must have impressed him something fierce to get that kind of attention. I've known him almost two years and saved his life several times, and I can't get that kind of treatment. Way to go, Kramer."

The young airman smiled sheepishly. "I think he just felt sorry for me."

Sheppard snorted. "McKay feels sorry for no one. I'm impressed Kramer, really."

Kramer just shrugged his shoulders and grinned, wishing Simpson could be here to see and hear this.

oOo

Sheppard walked through the dark woods, his P90, handgun, and vest strangely absent. He wondered briefly why he would have gone off world without being properly equipped. He called for Teyla, Ronon, and McKay, but received no answer. He had an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach as he peered into the darkness, desperately trying to see what was ahead.

He turned suddenly in response to movement to his side, only to see a large bug scurry away into the darkness. An involuntary shudder coursed through him as he backed away from where the creature had disappeared. He jerked and swiped at the feel of something on his arm, watching as an iratus bug flew through the air. And then the ground in front of him was suddenly swarming with iratus bugs and large hairy spiders. He backed into something, whirling around to find himself face to face with a Wraith. When he tried to run, his feet got tangled and he went down heavily, the side of his head smacking hard against the ground. He rolled over to find the Wraith coming after him, but that wasn't what scared him. The spiders and iratus bugs were already advancing up his legs and across his stomach. Sheppard yelled as he brought his arms up protectively over his head, knowing he was just postponing the inevitable by seconds.

"Colonel, wake up! Come on, Sheppard, wake up and open your eyes. It's just a dream."

Sheppard's eyes snapped open to find McKay shaking him, his eyes wide with fear. Sheppard was breathing hard, feeling like he'd just run a marathon. He brought his right hand up to his forehead and shakily wiped the sweat from his face. It was all he could do to catch his breath as his heart hammered away in his chest. His eyes darted around the darkened room for a second, looking for signs of bugs or Wraith.

Nick and Kelly came quickly to join McKay beside his bed. "What happened?" asked Nick as he began assessing Sheppard.

"I'm okay." Sheppard tried to push Nick's hand away. "Just a nightmare."

Nick pushed Sheppard gently back down to the bed. "Well, humor me then and let me have a look or Carson's liable to put me back on leave for not doing my job properly. You need to try to slow your breathing, John, preferably before you give yourself a heart attack. Deep, slow breaths."

Sheppard finally gave up fighting and did as he was told while Nick and Kelly checked his vital signs and the IV. Rodney faded into the background until they were finished.

Nick began tucking Sheppard's covers back in around him when Sheppard protested. "Nick, I'm old enough to tuck myself in. Next you'll be reading me a bedtime story."

Nick grinned. "I'm thinking I shouldn't read about Little Miss Muffet."

Sheppard winced. "Oh, very funny. I'd throw you out of here if I had the energy."

"No need, I'm leaving. Let me know if you need anything. I can give you something to help you get back to sleep."

Sheppard shook his head. "I don't really think I want to do that right now. Maybe later."

Nick nodded in understanding. "Just let me know."

Sheppard watched Nick's retreating back, feeling Rodney's eyes on him. He finally turned and met the scientist's gaze. "What?"

McKay ran his hand through his hair and sighed. "That must have been one heck of a nightmare."

Sheppard looked down at his hands, thinking how creepy it was that he could see his right hand touching his left, and yet he couldn't feel it. "You could say that."

McKay pushed the chair closer to the bed and sat down. "You want to talk about it?"

"Not really. Just a bunch of bugs and Wraith crawling all over me. Doesn't exactly make for peaceful sleeping."

"No, I guess not. Are you going to be okay?"

Sheppard continued to look down at his lap. "Yeah, eventually. Tonight's not looking too good, though." He turned to look at McKay. "How's your ankle?"

McKay shrugged. "It's okay, still a little sore but I can walk on it. How are you dealing with your arm being . . . "

"Paralyzed? That's what it is at the moment, so you might as well say it. Beckett said it might go away. I'm just trying to focus on that, cause I don't know too many one-armed pilots."

McKay nodded and looked down at the floor. "Much as I hate to admit it, Carson usually knows what he's talking about."

Sheppard nodded and looked back down. Part of him was grateful for McKay's presence and part of him wanted the man to leave. He didn't really know what he wanted any more. "Hey, thanks for looking after Kramer."

McKay's eyebrows shot up so fast that Sheppard had to suppress the urge to laugh.

"How did you . . . "

Sheppard smiled. "Kramer came by this afternoon and we talked. He was pretty impressed that you took the time to take him in and make him feel like a part of the team. Actually, so am I. You may not know it, McKay, but it meant a lot to that kid at a time when it really counted."

"I didn't do much. He kind of reminded me of a lost puppy. He just seemed to need a home. And we do kind of owe him for protecting our CO and helping get him back alive. I've got to tell you, between him and Nick, they had you covered pretty well. If they hadn't been there . . . well, let's just say we'd be sending what's left of you home on the next Daedalus run."

Sheppard smiled. "Well, thanks anyway."

"No problem. Taking care of errant flyboys seems to be my lot in life these days. I still say they don't pay me enough for this misery. We need to have a job description for someone that includes guarding the health and safely of pilots with a penchant for trouble. By the way, I mean you."

Sheppard just grinned. "Oh, you know you love it, McKay."

McKay just shook his head. "I might as well."

TBC


	13. Chapter 13

Memories or Nightmares – Chapter 13

Sheppard looked up to see Nick standing beside his bed. He jumped a little, wondering how he had let the man get that close without hearing him.

"Sorry, John, didn't mean to startle you."

"No problem, guess I was preoccupied. I have some good news . . . at least I think it's good. My fingers are starting to tingle."

Nick grinned and nodded. "That _is_ good. Carson said you'd been getting increased sensation in your lower arm the last few days. I think he's planning on starting your physical therapy today."

"Yeah, that's what he told me yesterday. I'm ready."

"I'll just bet you are. Any movement in those fingers yet?"

Sheppard looked down at his hand, lying in his lap with the fingers curled up. He frowned and stared at his hand until the first two fingers twitched slightly. He breathed out heavily and looked back up at Nick. "I'm not sure I'd classify that as movement."

"Hey, it's better than nothing. Carson and I talked when he went off duty last night. He doesn't see any sign of nerve damage and you're making progress every day. He feels sure that, with physical therapy, you should make a full recovery, or at least pretty close. It may take a while though, so you'll have to be patient."

"I know, and that's not one of my strong points. If it means getting back to normal, I can manage though. It sure beats the alternative."

"Yeah, I guess it does. How's the shoulder pain?"

"It's better. Still pretty sore, but it doesn't hurt constantly like it did there for a while. By the way, I don't think I've ever thanked you properly for saving my life. I'm just sorry I almost got you killed in the process."

Nick pulled up a chair and sat down beside Sheppard's bed. "Hey, I'm just doing what I can, like everyone else. Kramer certainly did his fair share."

Sheppard smiled. "Yes, he did. From all I've heard, he did an excellent job out there. I have to admit, I had some serious misgivings about him after our first meeting." He absently rubbed the fresh scars on his neck. "But he's really turned it around. I'm kind of proud of that kid. Guess I'll have to forgive him for his little prank," he said as he laughed.

They sat in silence for a moment and Sheppard took the time to look at Nick. The bruises on his face had begun to turn a rainbow of colors, indicated their progress in healing. He still sported a bandage on his forehead, just above his eye. In spite of the smile Nick had worn when talking to Sheppard, he hadn't missed the haunted look in the doctor's eyes or the fine lines indicating a lack of sleep.

"Nightmares, Doc?"

Nick's head shot up and he looked curiously at Sheppard. "How did you know?"

Sheppard grinned a tired and humorless grin. "I go there regularly, remember?" He thought about waking from his own nightmares the last three nights in a row to find Nick's worried face peering down at him. "I recognize the signs. Want to talk about it?"

Nick rubbed his face with his hands, the lack of sleep and the end of his shift catching up with him. He was so tired he could barely string words together into a coherent sentence and he knew he had no business being on duty in this shape. He had to get some sleep.

"What are you dreaming about?" prompted Sheppard.

Nick sighed as he looked at the floor. "Wraith, mostly. I've never been that close to one before, so close I could smell him. Now I can smell him in my dreams. I've never seen anyone fed upon either. I mean I've seen the results, but I had never seen them actually die until that night. I just keep replaying part of it in my head, except, in my dreams I wake up to find you dead and that Wraith feeding on me." Nick shuddered, the images very real in his mind.

Sheppard was quiet a minute. "I don't have any magic answer, obviously, or I wouldn't be having my own night time battles. All I can tell you is that sometimes it does get better, and sometimes you just learn to deal with it. Some nightmares never go away, they just hibernate and pop out ever so often to keep you from forgetting. Some of them do eventually fade away. And sometimes . . . sometimes I have a hard time distinguishing between memories and nightmares. They all just kind of run together."

Nick looked up at Sheppard, noting his dark expression and tired eyes. He knew he had suffered through his own nightmares the past few nights, often calling for help in his sleep. "I'm not sure how encouraging this is."

Sheppard smiled tightly. "Sorry, touchy subject for me. I've been building my selection for years."

"Have you ever talked to anyone about it, tried to get help?"

"I've been made to talk to people several times, Kate included. That doesn't help, at least it doesn't help me. Sharing my pain with a psychiatrist is just that, sharing my pain. It doesn't really seem to lessen it or make it go away. It just makes me live through it verbally again. If I'm going to have a conversation about the hell I've lived through, it needs to be with someone who's been there, who genuinely understands what I'm talking about. Then, sometimes, you make a connection and it helps a little."

Nick hesitated a few seconds. "I thought we were all dead. When that Wraith hit me, my last conscious thought was that we were dead. Period. Nothing was going to change that. I've had some close calls in the field, but that's the first time I was absolutely certain that I was going to die. And then we didn't die, but so many others did. I remember that one guy, Daniels I think, came in a couple of weeks ago for a cut on his hand. We talked a while about family and school and such. He was a nice guy and now . . . now he's dead. Why him and not me? Why Simpson and not you? None of it makes any sense."

"Survivor's guilt."

"What?"

"It's called survivor's guilt. You survived and they didn't and even though none of it was your fault and there's probably nothing you could have done to change anything, you feel guilty. You feel guilty about being alive when they aren't. That _is_ one thing I learned from all those sessions with the base shrink. I apparently tend to get a healthy case of it myself. Like right now. All those people died trying to save me, so in my mind, their death is on my head. And you'll probably never convince me differently."

"Oh, you must be joking. It wasn't your fault the Wraith showed up or that you were bitten by a spider with mega-venom."

"See, in my mind, all I had to do was be more careful and not get bitten and we would have been able to make it back to the gate without a rescue party being sent and without the Wraith catching up to us. I slowed us down enough for all that to happen. My fault."

Nick shook his head. "That's nuts, you can't really believe that."

Sheppard just shrugged his shoulders.

"God, John, no wonder you have nightmares. How do you live with that kind of weight on your shoulders?"

Sheppard leaned his head back against the pillow and stared at the ceiling. "I just stick it in the closet with the rest of my skeletons - waking the Wraith, killing Sumner, getting Gaul and Abrams killed, Ford, not to mention a few things from the Milky Way Galaxy."

"Isn't your closet getting kind of full?"

"Yeah, I'm thinking of building an addition. I have a feeling I'm going to need it." Sheppard brought his gaze down to meet Nick's. "What we've said here, stays here, right?"

Nick looked at him, thinking he probably should share a little of this with Carson, or perhaps Kate. But looking at Sheppard, he knew he wouldn't. He honestly didn't think it would change anything, at least not for the better. Sheppard was just one of those people that took everything to heart and kept lots of emotional baggage around. He had apparently developed his own way of coping with it on a day to day basis. It was the nights that gave him trouble.

"Okay, it stays here."

Sheppard looked relieved. "Good. I guess with everything that happened, you're through with gate travel."

Nick raised his eyebrows. "No, absolutely not. I'm just beginning to understand how much you need to have a medical person out there with you as often as possible. I've been thinking about it since we got back. How many times have you guys drug through the gate needing medical attention? Many of those times, some of the complications you experienced could have been avoided if you had received proper medical attention sooner. I think I need to go with you more often."

Sheppard's mouth hung open a bit as he listened to Nick talk. "Are you serious? But I thought, with the nightmares and everything that you would want to stick close to the infirmary."

Nick shook his head. "No, I want to go with you again. Don't get me wrong, that scared the living crap out of me. But at the same time, I felt needed, like I was really making a difference. I know there will come a time when having the proper medical personnel will make the difference between someone living or dying."

Sheppard took several moments to consider Nick's words. "Nick, I know we could use you out there, both the medical expertise as well as the extra gun. If you're sure that's what you want to do, I'll talk to Elizabeth. But I'm leaving Carson to you. No way I'm threatening to take away his number two man while I'm stuck in here. I'd like to get out before I'm old and gray."

Nick just snickered. "Don't worry, I'll talk to Carson. And I'm not talking about going on every mission, just the ones where you're a little more likely to need me. Although I'm well aware of your ability to stir up trouble on what appears to be harmless missions."

Sheppard shook his head. "Not my fault. Stuff just happens. Hey, have you talked to Kelly about going off world on a regular basis?"

Nick's expression sobered as he let his gaze fall to the floor. "No, not yet. I'm afraid she won't be very happy. She was a little upset when I came back injured."

"You better talk to her before this goes too far. You may be forced to make a choice. Some women can't handle the idea of your life being in danger all the time or the prospect of you coming back injured a lot."

"She would never do that, make me choose between her and fieldwork."

Sheppard looked at him for several seconds. "You don't always see it coming."

Nick frowned and tilted his head slightly. "John? Are we talking personal experience?"

"Just talk to her before you make your final decision. That's all I'm saying."

They sat in silence for several seconds before a nurse appeared with a breakfast tray for Sheppard. As she set it up on the rolling tray table, Nick got up to leave. He started to walk away, but then stopped and turned back to Sheppard.

"John, thanks."

Sheppard just nodded and gave him a sloppy, mock salute with his good arm, fork in hand.

oOo

Sheppard sat on the edge of the bed, fiddling with the sling holding his left arm next to his body. He looked up at the sound of footsteps to see Beckett walk up and stand next to him. He held out a bottle. "These are for pain, in case your shoulder starts hurting or you're in pain from the physical therapy." He set the first bottle down on the bed and held out a second, smaller bottle. "You can take one of these a few minutes before you go to bed to help you sleep."

Sheppard widened his eyes. "What?"

Beckett smiled and patted his leg. "Nick told me you were having a bit of trouble sleeping. If you get tired of that, the pills will help. And don't worry about being all drugged up. You'll be off duty for a while and besides that, they're pretty mild. It's just a little something to help you relax. Let me know if you want something stronger."

Sheppard was a little off guard, but recovered quickly. He figured turn about was fair play. "So long as we're playing tattle-tail, I understand he's been having his own trouble sleeping."

Beckett nodded. "He told me and I gave him the same thing. You're both stubborn as mules. Having nightmares after the trauma you've been through is nothing to be ashamed of. You both should have said something to me days ago. I had to ask him why he was asleep on his feet."

Sheppard looked down at the bottles of pills. "I've had nightmares before, Doc. I can handle it."

"There's no shame in asking for help to make it easier, lad. I wish there was some way to convince you of that."

Sheppard smiled. "I'm okay, Carson, really. Now do I get out of here, or what?"

Beckett sighed. "Yes, you can go. I expect you back at ten tomorrow for physical therapy. And you are on full medical leave until further notice. That means no running and no stick fighting."

Sheppard flashed his lop-sided grin. "Am I cleared for Rodney badgering?"

Beckett returned his smile. "Now that's one activity you can do."

oOo

Sheppard angled the tray down to the table, balancing it with one hand and trying not to spill every drop of his drink. He could see the tea sloshing out of the cup and into the tray as he jostled the thing onto the table. Once it was horizontal again, he pushed it forward a bit and slid into his seat. He looked up at McKay, sitting across from him, chewing his food as he watched Sheppard struggle.

"Thanks for the help."

McKay stopped chewing. "What help?"

Sheppard nodded. "Exactly." He picked up his fork and began to eat. McKay shrugged and went back to chewing.

"So, any idea how long before you're back on duty?"

"Not really. I'm just starting to get movement back in my fingers. Doc said it'll probably be a few weeks, but I'm hoping if I really work the physical therapy thing, I can shave some time off that. Lydia said I've already made a lot of progress in the last three days."

"Lydia?"

"Physical therapist. I think she came with the Daedalus run before this last one. Apparently we get injured so much, they thought we needed a real physical therapist."

"Mind if I join you gentlemen?"

They looked up to see Elizabeth standing beside their table.

"Grab a seat, Elizabeth," said McKay.

"Thank you." Elizabeth looked toward Sheppard as she sat down. "You're looking well."

"I'm good," he said as he poked a forkful of food into his mouth.

McKay nodded. "How's the shoulder, you know, where the thing bit you?"

"Much better. It's finally starting to really show signs of healing. I'm glad that spider bit me in a place that doesn't show. That isn't going to leave a scar, it's going to leave a crater."

"Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. I doubt it will interfere with your ability to woo alien women. The face and hair are still in tact, and that's what's important."

"McKay!"

Elizabeth looked down, trying to hide the grin that was slowly breaking out across her face.

Sheppard just sighed loudly. "Elizabeth, I wondered if you've considered my recommendation about Kramer."

"Yes, I have. Due to recent events, Major Lorne has an opening on his team, so I passed your recommendation on to him. I know he's talked to Teyla and Ronon about Kramer's performance in the field. I believe he is satisfied, but he wanted to talk to you about his final decision. If you agree, Kramer will probably join his team as soon as he's cleared for active duty."

Sheppard nodded, approval on his face. "Good. I think he'll make a good addition to the team."

McKay pursed his lips a second, looking off into space. "You know, I'm going to miss the guy. He kind of reminded me of you . . . except he's not as bossy or sarcastic."

Sheppard stopped eating and punctuated his words by stabbing the air with his fork in the direction of McKay. "I am _not_ bossy, I'm the leader. There's a difference."

McKay snorted. "Not in your case."

"Pot? Kettle? Mean anything?"

"Not in the least," McKay said innocently.

Sheppard looked over at Elizabeth. "Can I trade McKay in for Kramer?"

TBC


	14. Chapter 14

NOTE: You have made it to the last chapter and I have several people to thank. Thank you to all of you who read and reviewed! I never have time to answer them all, but that doesn't mean I don't read them and love them and do a happy dance over each and every one. Thank you to Kathy for giving me ideas, sometimes doing the beta thing, and for letting me take Nick out to play so often. Thank you to TheNaggingCube for sparking the idea for the ending scene in this piece with a comment she made. See, the reviewers often lead me in the direction the story ends up going. Bless you all and I hope you enjoy reading as much as I've enjoyed writing.

Memories or Nightmares – Chapter 14

Sheppard wiped the sweat from his face with a towel as he stepped into Beckett's office. "Lydia said you wanted to talk to me when she was finished."

Beckett nodded. "Aye, get you some water and then come have a seat."

Sheppard continued into the office as he held up a half-full water bottle. "Already have some. Lydia's a slave driver so that was the first thing I did."

Beckett smiled. "So I've been told."

Sheppard plopped unceremoniously down in one of Beckett's chairs and took a swig from the water bottle. "So, what did you want to see me about?"

"I wanted to tell you that I'm releasing you to light duty today and I'm expecting I'll probably release you back to full duty in about a week."

Sheppard grinned and scooted to the edge of his seat. "That's great Doc. Thanks!" He sat there watching Beckett looking down at a folder on his desk for a second. The smile slowly dissolved as he cocked his head to one side, trying to read upside down. "You aren't smiling, Doc. What's the problem?"

Beckett sighed as if collecting his thoughts and then looked back up at Sheppard. "It's really not a big deal, but I just have a feeling you're not going to be happy. I've been talking to Lydia about your arm and, even though I'm releasing you to light duty, your arm isn't back to one hundred percent."

Sheppard frowned at Beckett, narrowing his eyes as he carefully controlled his breathing. "So what am I at?"

"About ninety percent. Now, Colonel, before you get too upset at that, let me point out that since it's your left arm and it's only a ten percent loss of strength, you'll likely not even notice. You're nerve function and range of motion are both good, but it seems there may have been some muscle damage that we didn't anticipate."

Sheppard sat staring at Beckett's desk, eyes searching for a written notation of what he'd just told him. "How . . . how permanent is this and who all have you talked to?"

Beckett didn't miss the look of near panic on his face or the sound of it in his voice. "Colonel, this amount of disability should not significantly affect your performance. Since you are right-handed, it will not affect weapons handling and it shouldn't affect your flight abilities either. We're talking about a difference of lifting 90 pounds instead of 100 or of having your left arm tire of typing reports faster than your right arm. And since I'm just now discussing this with you, I haven't told anyone else yet."

Sheppard shook his head. "You don't get it Doc, it's too much. When you send certain people on earth a report that says I'm disabled, they aren't going to care about what that translates into. All they care about is getting me out of here. I can tell you what will happen. They'll recommend that I come back to earth for an examination by their guys under the guise that they can help me, then they'll either up the percent disability as far as they need or stick me in a room with a shrink and say I'm unfit psychologically. That little word disability will get me in all kinds of trouble. That's a career ender for a pilot."

Sheppard sat on the edge of his chair rubbing his hands together while Beckett assimilated what he'd just said. Sheppard finally sat back in the chair. "What percent do I need to get that down to so that you don't note it in my file?"

"Colonel, I'm not sure you can get it down any smaller. That's what I was dreading to tell you, that your arm may be permanently weakened by this. I have to admit that I wasn't expected it to be this important."

"What percent, Carson?" Sheppard's eyes bore into Beckett's, desperation fueling his insistence for an answer.

Carson sighed. "I don't know that that is such a good idea. What if you start to have problems later down the line and this hasn't been documented. You're almost certain to be having problems when you get to retirement age and you can be compensated for that if it's in your record as duty related."

Sheppard laughed, throwing Beckett completely off guard. "Look Doc, no offense, I know you're trying to help, but you know what I do and you, of all people, know what shape I come back in half the time. Retirement is the least of my worries. Besides, if I actually live that long, I'd still rather not return to earth. I don't have any desire to request disability pay."

Beckett stuttered around a minute before regaining his composure. "We will not discuss the probabilities of whether you'll make it to retirement or not, because if I have anything to say about it, you most certainly will. But I understand what you are saying. I'm still not sure it's the way to handle this. I can assure everyone of your complete ability to do your job. I would not release you to duty otherwise."

"I appreciate that, Doc. But these people don't care what you think. I'll ask you one more time. What percent do I need to get that down to so that you'd be willing to skip the disability notation?"

Beckett frowned and shook his head. "Five percent at most, but I'm still not happy about it. And to be perfectly honest, Colonel . . . I'm not sure you can do it."

"If it means staying in Atlantis, I have to. Can I do physical therapy twice a day instead of once a day until I go back on full duty?"

"I'll talk to Lydia, I'm sure she can work something out. Just don't overdo it. If you injure your arm at this point, I can almost guarantee you won't make your goal. And I can give you some time. As long as you are taking physical therapy, there's room for improvement and I won't make my final report, within reason that is."

Sheppard nodded. "That's all I can ask, Doc. Thanks."

"Just watching out for all of us. We need you here, Colonel."

Sheppard nodded as he turned and left. Beckett sighed and closed the file sitting on his desk, hoping he was making the right decision.

oOo

Sheppard set his tray down and slid into the seat across from Rodney. McKay looked up from his plate, nodded, and then did a double take. "Hey, you've got on your uniform."

Sheppard smiled wryly. "I can't get anything past you, can I?"

McKay swallowed and then poked his fork at Sheppard. "Don't be such a smartass; I know you weren't wearing those when we had breakfast this morning. Why now?"

"Beckett put me on light duty after physical therapy, so I changed into these after I showered. It looks more official when I check on my men. They take me a little more seriously in these than in sweat pants or jeans."

"Any hint of when you go back on full duty?"

"Looks like about a week."

McKay watched Sheppard eat for a few seconds, his motions mechanical and emotionless. "So what's the problem? You don't seem too happy for someone who just got cleared for duty."

"Nothing. Just something I need to work on."

"Like?"

Sheppard stopped chewing, paused, and swallowed, shifting his gaze up to McKay. "Just need to work my arm a little harder, that's all."

McKay swirled his spoon around in his pudding. "Somehow I doubt it's that simple."

Sheppard started to reply, but quickly stood up instead and waved across the infirmary. McKay turned to see Nick wave back and send Kelly on ahead in the chow line. Nick walked over to stand by their table. "Hey guys, is supper any good?"

McKay shrugged. "It's edible, but just barely. It all tastes the same tonight, just different textures."

Nick scowled. "Great, I can hardly wait. How are you guys doing? Hey, I heard you got cleared for light duty," he said, directing his comment to Sheppard.

"Yeah, I did this morning."

Nick studied him for a few seconds and then slid into the chair next to Sheppard. "Carson talked to Lydia and she can take you in the afternoons too. She's working out a program tonight."

Sheppard looked at Nick, his brow furrowed. "Sounds like you've talked to Carson. Do you think I can do it?"

Nick smiled. "If it was anyone else, I'd most likely say no, but in your case I'm going with probably so. Just please take it easy and don't push too hard. I'd hate to see you cause a set-back."

"I'll be careful. Have you talked to Kelly yet?"

Nick smiled and turned to wave at her in line. "Yes, we had a long talk earlier today. She's not very happy, but she understands what I want to do and said she would support me in it. She even volunteered to go with me if we needed nurses. Of course, I'm not willing to let that happen."

Sheppard grinned at him. "You better be careful with that. You can't expect her to support you going off world and then tell her she can't. It's a two way street you know."

Nick looked back at Sheppard. "So, you're telling me that you would be happy to have Dr. Weir go on missions with you?"

Sheppard's expression darkened almost immediately. "That's not the same thing. We aren't dating and she's the leader of Atlantis. If anyone's life is to be kept safe around here, it's hers."

"Oh, and your only motivation for keeping her on Atlantis is her being the expedition leader?"

Sheppard flushed slightly as he stammered. "Well, yes, of course. I just told you, she's irreplaceable. And there is nothing going on between us."

Nick just smiled as he patted Sheppard's arm. "Now whose fault is that? Well, anyway, Kelly is okay with me going with you guys periodically. I'd appreciate it if you didn't say anything to Dr. Weir just yet. I haven't talked to Carson and I'd like to run all this by him first. He's been a little preoccupied with your situation and it didn't seem like the right time to be asking for favors."

Sheppard nodded. "I'll hold off until you give me the word."

Nick stood up and pushed the chair back under the table. "Keep your head up, we'll figure something out. Hey, are you guys going to movie night tonight?"

"I have no idea. What are they showing?"

Nick shrugged his shoulders. "No clue. I heard several people got a bunch of new stuff on the last Daedalus run and they were going back to having movie night once a week for anyone who wanted to go. Carson said I could be late so Kelly and I could go. It starts in about thirty minutes. I'd better go catch up to Kelly so I can get a tray. See you guys later."

Sheppard gave a quick wave and turned back to his food. "You want to round up Ronon and Teyla and see the movie?"

McKay nodded. "Might as well, I guess. I don't think my eyes can handle any more computer screen time today, although I'm not sure a movie screen is much better. You going to fill me in on that?" McKay nodded his head toward Nick, now moving through the food line.

Sheppard sighed, wishing he'd taken Nick aside for their discussion. "This stays with us, McKay."

McKay's eyes widened at the prospect of hearing something clandestine. "Okay, mum's the word."

Sheppard eyed him for a few moments. "I'm serious, Rodney. This stays right here with us. Got it?"

McKay nodded, somehow looking even more eager.

"Okay, I'm trusting you. First thing is that Nick wants to come with us on missions, mostly the ones where we are likely to need medical assistance. He wants to clear it with Carson before I go asking Elizabeth. Second thing is that . . . "

Sheppard hesitated, not sure he could talk about this yet again. He just wished the whole situation would go away. He certainly didn't want to end up with anyone's pity. McKay caught on as he tried to put what he wanted to say into words.

"I'm guessing it's something to do with your arm. Are you not back to one hundred percent?"

Sheppard nodded, his features relaxing now that the subject had been broached. "I'm at ninety percent and possibly holding. I need to get the percent . . . disability down so they don't send me back to earth. I need it down far enough the word disability doesn't have to be used."

McKay nodded, understanding full well that the powers making the decisions were not happy about Sheppard still being here. But he wasn't going to worry about it, because he knew that if anyone could pull it off, it would be the swaggering, sarcastic pilot in front of him. "You'll do it."

Sheppard looked at McKay, studying his eyes and expression. He finally decided that the scientist meant it. He had the support system he needed, and for that he was grateful. He was beginning to relax and think that he just might get out of this one yet. Feeling better, he turned to McKay. "Let's go get our team. It's movie night and we're going to relax."

oOo

It was thirty minutes later when they finally rounded up their team mates and opened the door to the rec room. It was dark and crowded, the movie sounds indicating they were either watching the opening credits or the previews. McKay crept in first, followed by Sheppard with a bowl of popcorn, and then Ronon and Teyla. McKay spotted a large open spot on the floor, but they had to crawl over several people to get there.

"Why can't they move in and leave the area next to the door open so we don't have to crawl over a herd of people," whispered McKay over his shoulder. He was met with several versions of "Shhhh!"

After several fumbling minutes and a host of apologies, they finally reached their seats on the floor at the far end of the room. The movie was in full force by the time they got settled. McKay leaned over and whispered to Sheppard, "Pass the popcorn."

He looked down at the popcorn bowl, tilting lopsidedly in Sheppard's hand, as if it were about to be dropped. Sheppard's other hand had been filled with popcorn, but now lay limply in his lap with the popcorn spilling onto the floor around him. McKay looked up to Sheppard's face to see if he knew what a mess he was making, but stopped short of saying anything when he saw the Colonel's shocked expression. He wasn't sure if all the color had drained from Sheppard's face or if it was just the light from the screen reflecting off his face that made him look like he'd just seen a ghost. He heard Sheppard murmur, "Crap," softly under his breath.

McKay looked up at the screen, just in time to see a big hairy tarantula crawling around. It was then that he realized what movie was showing tonight. Arachnophobia.

THE END

Yes, I know I left a few things unresolved. That John and Nick story I spoke of will pick up shortly after this and finish those thoughts. The plot bunnies have been hard at work.


End file.
